Tonight is the end of the year as we know it. It is really fitting that I have been able to complete my business plan for my life this morning AND have it approved by management here at home. Lucky for me, my wife found the plan to be quite acceptable! I suppose that the planning is the easy part of the deal, the hard part is to ensure that all is implemented. Perhaps I should not refer to it as the hard part, surely this is going to be the fun and interesting part. The part that is going to keep me on my toes and thinking hard. It is certainly the part that is going to teach me a number of hard lessons. I really am looking forward to it all. I hope that one day when I look back on my life (God willing), I will be able to say that I gave it my best shot!

The new life plan is a very interesting document. I have been able to plan my entire life in the way that I want it to happen. Obviously I have factored in a couple of things that cannot change (like where we want the kids to go to school, etc.). Apart from this, the rest is the way I want it to be. I can’t help thinking again how blessed I am to be able to make those kinds of decisions with the very real possibility that it may all turn out better than I expect.

One of the aspects that I am going to have to deal with, is that the job of a self employed businessman (and I use this term loosely as I have not brought in a cent yet) has no boundaries. There are NO limits except for the limits that I impose of my self. I have always been, to use a clichéd term, a “go getter”. I now need to find some sort of feedback mechanism that will tell me when enough is enough. In my old job, that was easy, I had agreed my deliverables with my boss and worked towards them. Now, I am that boss that agrees those deliverables and the employee who needs to attain them. Chances are that I am going to push far too hard. I think more than ever I am going to rely on my friends and family as that feedback mechanism. Certainly my wife is going to continue being the core of my support and let me know when enough is enough. On the other hand, I have no doubt that she will let me know if I am lazing around!!

Whatever happens in this new year, it is going to be a phenomenal learning experience for me. I relish the challenge and look forward to some new and fantastic experiences. I wish you and your family much success, love and laughter in the year ahead!

I had a great Christmas filled with family. It really was wonderful. Even better was that I was fully engaged in it this year, instead of trying my best to relax. Life has almost returned to normal after most of my family have returned home. Yesterday my wife and I thought we would spend a bit of time getting the kids rooms back in order. Well 8 hours later we had almost completed cleaning out every cupboard, drawer, nook and cranny in our entire house. I am amazed (as I suppose we all are on a regular basis) at how much stuff we had to throw away as well as how much stuff we have to donate. Where on earth has it all come from? We must be a marketers dream audience!

I certainly felt bad when I saw how spoilt my children got this Christmas. I have always thought that my children have too many toys and so this clean up became an opportunity for them to get involved in deciding what toys should be donated to a worthy cause. I hope to get them involved in handing out their toys to other children so that they can experience the reward of giving instead of always just receiving. I hope that this will be an interesting lesson in charity for them.

Truth be told, it was not just the kids who have too much stuff but us too. I don’t like the idea of keeping stuff in case something or other happens in the future. What tends to occur is that my stuff takes up space and gathers dust. When I do want to use it, it is generally out of date and useless and I have to go out and get another. I have decided that I am far happier giving stuff away to somebody who needs it now. I certainly found a whole heap of things that would do better in other people’s hands. I must say that I found it a rather liberating experience – who needs so much stuff anyway?

Another thing that this Christmas filled with family has taught me is that things cannot be done my way all the time. I am finding that I learn more and more by not doing things my way. I know what will happen if I do it my way! I suppose that this is one of the joys of life, doing and seeing things from another’s points of view. Is it not sad, that for the most part, we refuse to accept that there can be another viewpoint? Take the assassination of Benazir Bhutto yesterday….will we ever learn? Have we failed to be the best humans we can be? Can we make a difference in our own lives? If we do make a tiny difference, is it good enough?

I found last week incredibly difficult. I was busy beyond belief and yet I achieved very little in my life. I am not sure if I did not realise the extent of things that just needed to be done. I certainly didn’t manage to rest and relax or to make any progress in my preparation for next year. I have this notion in my head that I have to be 100% ready to start my new life on January 2. Right now, I am thinking that this is an idea that I may have to change. I need to start this whole new life when I am ready. By ready, I mean physically, mentally and emotionally. This point was driven home on the physical side when I went out surfing on Thursday and Friday. What a wonderful feeling to be at one with nature, expressing myself in a sport that I thoroughly enjoy! For me, that was the start of my holiday. I have this whole new life ahead of me, it is pointless to rush in when tired and unprepared. This is my Christmas present to myself. To Dad, “take a real break”, from dad!

On the good side, I have managed to erect Santa’s butt and our Christmas lights around the house. If you are wondering, Santa gets stuck down our chimney every year and so all that one sees in passing are Santa’s chubby buns and legs sticking out of our chimney. This morning I have managed to ice the Christmas cake and cook a gammon. I can well assure you that the sumptuous smells pouring out of my Weber are heavenly!

I find the fact that I have not managed to take charge of my life yet rather disappointing. As I sit here and type, I have realised that I am still the luckiest guy around. I am surrounded by loving family, amazing food in my kitchen and a solid roof over my head. Some may never have any of these wonderful gifts and yet they are still filled with joy in this season. I consider myself fully berated!

How often do we get wrapped up in our own petty little worlds filled with petty little issues? Is it not time that we thought and did something about other people’s worlds of real issues?

I wish you a blessed Christmas, may it be filled with charity, love and family!

My administrator in my old job, a previous life I dimly remember, gave me a book before I left. The book is titled “Get your book published in 30 relatively easy steps” by Basil van Rooyen.The book is a wonderful step by step guide on how to get moving (book wise that is). Happily, I have been through a number of the steps. One thing that the book has confirmed is that publishing this book is not going to make me any money. Very simply, the book readership within SA is tiny and chances of my book being published overseas are slim.

What the book has done for me is confirmed that I am writing this book as a labour of love. I am writing it because I think that I have a story to tell and a challenge to put all those hard working family members out there. This has now clearly put my life into perspective. I am not going to be able to write a book in 4 months. OK, that isn’t true, I am not going to write a good book in 4 months or even 6 months for that matter. If it is to be a labour of love, this is not something that should be rushed or a goal that needs to be checked off a list. This is about carefully crafting an inspirational challenge to all working people to re-look their lives and ensure that the choices they have made and continue to make are in line with what they deem is worthwhile in life. I am OK with the fact that I may be writing as a tonic for my own soul. I still have no idea if I can write but I intend to find out if the following idiom applies to me or not :

“There is a book in everyone, most people should leave it there!”

Yesterday, I had an old colleague come around and look at all of my computers. The goals were to create a mini network and solve a myriad of IT problems. There was a time in my life when I was the IT guru at work. Now, many years later, technology and software have long left me in their dust. This point was sincerely driven home as this colleague of mine calmly and methodically resolved all of the issues that have plagued my wife and I for so long. Something else that was shattered yesterday is the illusion that I now have lots of time to master all sorts of things that interest me. I may have heaps of time, but I do not have THAT much that I can learn everything out there. There are some things that are best left to the experts and I need to ensure that the things I tackle are the things that I thoroughly enjoy.

This chap is filled with a deep IT knowledge that he has spent a lifetime accumulating. This is his passion and it shows! It is very clear that I too need to focus on my passions and the results will also shine on through!

If you have been reading this and have not deduced that my mind is in a muddle, then I would have to admit that my writing must be pretty poor. I think I am going through one of those times where you know what the right answer is, but are unwilling to let go of other possibilities. The problem is that the right answer is not one that your brain wants to hear. I suppose it is more something that you feel and know versus can logically reason through. Yup, that is where I am. I know that I should be writing my book and taking my time and regrouping. Instead I am doing my best to think through clever commercial opportunities for the future. I bet you can guess which way my brain wants to go….

As a result I seem to be operating like a headless chicken. Here and there and back here and not achieving much in between, let alone a little bit of sorely needed rest. I take solace in the fact that I have identified my headless status and it is now time to take charge.

I had a surf this morning. If you live in Cape Town and are wondering where – fear not you did not miss anything close to epic. Instead I decided it was time to overcome my inability to surf in ultra small waves. It was great to be out in the sea at the crack of dawn. For me nothing beats that feeling. I feel most refreshed and ready to rest up a bit today. I am still not able to surf ultra small waves.

So there you have it. I am so busy on my mental roundabout that I have not even found the time to update my blog. I hope you will understand…

Yesterday was a good day. It was truly a day of reconciliation for our family. December the 16th has always been a public holiday in South Africa. It used to be the celebration of a bloody battle between the Afrikaners and the Zulu’s and the triumph of one of them. It is now far more appropriately named Day of Reconciliation. It is a day to celebrate being reconciled. Obviously given our countries history, we should continue to be thankful for our progress so far and strive for complete integration one day.

I would guess that my family is like a lot of families. There are sides who over time have failed to communicate. Yesterday an uncle of mine invited all the possible family members together for lunch and sneakily did not tell everyone of his plans. The plan worked brilliantly and the family talked and hugged and kissed. It was all very special.

These events are great for the sharing of old stories. My father reminded me of something that my brother used to say when he got very excited. Yesterday on my blog I tried to put into words how I felt and I don’t think I quite managed it. Thanks to my bro, this may work better;

“I am so excited, my stomach feels ticklish inside!”

My new strategy of providing extra attention to my children, which includes a little bit of extra discipline seems to be paying off. Yesterday my youngest said to me, “Dad, when are you going to go BACK to work!” I assured him that he and I would be together for a very long time. I don’t think that this is what he wanted to hear, especially when he was looking for a way out after only 2 days!

There are a whole host of voices in my head. All of them are shouting at me and waving their arms, like a bunch of school kids wanting to get picked for a soccer game. It is very noisy in here, a throbbing, clashing, pulsating cacophony. Many of these voices I have not heard before, they must be the new kids. Perhaps they are not new at all and rather they have just been let out of a padded cell. The voices are thunderous. They all promise me that I can do the most amazing things is I but listen to them. Some promise me money and power, other adulation, and still some others self sacrifice and hardship.Who to pick, that loud one over there, or this bright skinny one over here? Perhaps that shy child in the corner? So many choices… I must pick the right ones if I want to win!

I am in the most awesome place at the moment. I am free! I imagine that this is more of a mental state than a physical one. There are still children to look after, a wife to support and a household to run. This is not just me on the run from my responsibilities. No, this is me free from any thoughts and controls that are not mine. I get to decide what I am going to do and where I go. I am euphoric and wonder if there is any way that this can get any better. I also wonder how my mental state will change as I gradually slip back into reality. For once the priorities of my family come first and I get to make sure that this happens. How exactly I am not sure, but in time, I have no doubt I will discover.

In the end, I am just a simple guy. I don’t have all of the answers and I am far from being wise in the ways of the world. Deep inside, I know that I need to draw on the inspiration of my God and listen to those voices that are perhaps quieter than the others and certainly less appealing if I want to make my life truly worthwhile.

Today is my last day at work. Well officially, it is only the end of January but then again I have a bit of leave stored up. Today I walked into my office for the last time and today I shall walk out of it again and not look back! My office must probably rank amongst the best in Cape Town. It is large. There is space here for my desk, a conference table, 3 leather couches and most importantly a fridge. Better than all of that is the bank of windows that looks onto Table Mountain – what a spectacular site. Especially this morning as the Cape Doctor blows some wispy white clouds over the top. Magnificent! I think I will spend a part of my morning working out on my balcony and reflect on the good times that I have had with this company over the last 11 years.

Sometimes things just click into place like they probably were meant to do. I have that feeling that what I am doing is inherently right. This crusade touches me somewhere deep inside and that feels good. It is wonderful to make such an important decision and know that with every fibre of my being that it is the right choice.

Looking back, I am pleased. I have been successful here. I have learnt and forgotten and experienced and played and worked here. I have a wonderful network of friends here. I am not leaving them behind, instead we will find new ways to fit our relationship into this new life. I have this wonderful office but I am looking forward to board meetings at backline at sunrise! I feel that I have been given a second chance at life but this time the deck has been thoroughly stacked in my favour. Those odds make the transition far easier!

I am excited and tingling within my core. Not to close this door behind me but rather open the door in front of me. I have seen the brochures for what is behind this next door – they look fantastic. Time will tell if they are indeed as sweet as they seem....

I had a brilliant idea yesterday morning. For a number of days I have been mulling over the possibility of consulting in Africa. There is certainly work to be done all over Africa. The question is how much of my life do I still want to dedicate to the same old stuff that quite frankly bores me to tears. Then again, does it bore me to tears, or is it just that I have plateaud where I am? Am I bored by the tedium of implementation or perhaps it is the planning that I find terribly uninspiring? Am I just tired from the year and have used up all of my reserves and hence I now cannot see very far? I am not sure of the answer although there is probably truth in all of the statements. Bottom line is that I need a break and after that I will probably see a lot clearer.

My brain has been operating on auto pilot for some time now and I find it rather surprising when it very softly nudges me. For some time, I thought it was gas! Luckily, some thoughts persist and bubble up slowly through that murky grey swamp that I think is my brain. A thought materialized recently, why just accept that I only have a week a month that I can give over to consulting? I know I have blogged about the amount of work out there and that I must not get swayed from my goals, they are to be my guiding light. I suppose the question is how do I only consult 1 week a month AND still focus on my goals? I know that my one week is not what a potential customer would want. This, like any problem can be solved in many ways. One way is to accept that I am not the best solution but one that a customer would put up with till they can find a better solution. Why, I asked myself, could I not be the better solution AND still only consult one week a month. The answer is simple, get the best to join me!

OK, so this is pie in the sky. It is also incredibly simple but will require a whole heap of effort and determination. Possibly the question is how much stuff in life do we accept at face value? How much of our time do we spend like corks in a current, bobbing to keep our heads above water yet drifting where the current takes us? I suppose if I want to make this new life really work for me, I am going to have to think and act very differently. I have to be aggressive in the pursuit of my goals and cannot expect to drift and achieve them all.

If you think that I am mad to search for this elusive one week of work and expect to survive, you are probably right. One week is all I can dedicate to this pursuit, the rest of my time will need to be focused on the stuff for which I have sacrificed my career. You know, those things that we say are important but don’t usually bother with; family, community, photography and my book!

I flew to Johannesburg yesterday and had a very interesting day. The first thing that I managed to achieve was a fine for talking on my cell phone while driving. My personal policy has always been that I return all calls while I am driving home, that way I am able to use that wasted driving time to good effect. The only difference is that I am able to connect my phone to Bluetooth in my car and that way talk 100% legally. Like an idiot I was talking on my phone while driving a hire car and so I have a lovely new fine to show for it. Quite frankly, I broke the law, now I need to pay. I had the most interesting discussion with the traffic officer who gave me the fine. I think he was most surprised to have a conversation with somebody that he was fining. Regardless I explained that in Tanzania it is not illegal to drive drunk but you may get fined as an ex-pat if your car is dirty. He was intrigued! Before I drove off, he apologized for messing up my day. I was gob smacked. Here I had broken the law and he was apologizing for doing his job! Where have we come to in society when the norm is not to accept your just punishment when you err? After that I actually felt good about accepting my fine as that conversation was probably the highlight of his day!

After a great meeting, I left Sandton in Johannesburg to get to the airport. The tiny, small, miniscule factor that I had overlooked was that there was power shedding in place. This meant that a number of key Johannesburg traffic lights were off. The traffic jams were endless. The local radio did not seem to have any idea of the extent of the problem and so neither did I. After realizing how bad the jam was I thought that I would get clever and use my old knowledge of the area and perhaps escape the congestion. Boy was I wrong. I tried three other routes with the same result – more traffic at every turn. My problem was that it was now peak hour and I was now more stuck than before. A mere two and a half hours later, I arrived at the airport. I had been thoroughly beaten by the system!! My boss who was in the same traffic managed to get to the airport about an hour faster than me. Serves me right for being clever – I need to learn that I am a country bumpkin now! I am looking forward to my commute in the future – roll out of bed and walk upstairs (try not to trip over the cat)!

I got to wondering what traffic was good for. The message was pretty clear that using my cell phone was out! Sure you could eat your lunch (but that is messy). Perhaps you can meditate, certainly one could pray. Calf lifts or leg raises may also work. A question, why do cars not have a traffic feature where you can link up your laptop and do a bit of work in those busy times. In fact that idea inspired me to write this piece while driving. Now there was a good use of wasted time. I sure was not going to touch my cell phone though!!!!

If you sit in a mess of congealed cars on a daily basis – my thoughts are with you. Hang in there and find work closer to home……..

I spent the whole of last week in Tanzania. It was a glorious week and dripping hot. I am not sure if Tanzania qualifies as part of deepest darkest Africa, but then again I have no idea where that would be either. It sure was not dark, instead hot, hot and sometimes it was hotter. Dar Es Salaam is busy. There is a true African feel to the place. Buildings are ancient and reminiscent of a time when some or other colonizer thought that the land was theirs. Now they are old and grimy and silently watch the incredible mayhem that is an African city. People and cars all follow some sort of unwritten code of conduct that is rather bewildering to an orderly rule driven self like me. Traffic is not traffic as most would understand it. Rather it is an amazing integration of the minds and hearts of the people as they intersect, merge and cross each other without break. In this land, he who hesitates is lost, and hooted at incessantly! Then again I understand that Tanzanians are one of the most peaceful of people’s on the African continent.

Street pavements are crammed with stalls and small shops filled with remarkably similar products. Cell phone companies battle it out on these streets every ten metres. Tyres are stacked on the road side in orderly piles, so much so that one would think that they are the columns that hold up these tired buildings. Radios and washing machines are for sale to only the bravest willing to park their cars at the side of the road. Incidentally, cars here are different too. This is a city of off road vehicles.. This is not Sandton where the only mud and terrain that a car may see is the washing of the mall floor. No, this is Africa, where cars are tough and need to go anywhere.

Deep inside, I know that I am in true Africa. It has rhythm and soul. It is busy and full of life. It smells deeply of something that I know is Africa, smoky and spicey and earthy. Sometimes it does not smell good at all. In some small way, I belong here. Mostly I feel that I can reconnect to my roots here. Deep down inside I know that this is only a stop over. A temporary sojourn to a another time, but in the end I will go home to my home in South Africa. But my connection to this great continent has grown and I am now a little more complete!

I have a new dilemma today. I have discovered that I have so much to do next year that I am unsure how I will be able to fit it all into my new life. This is most bizarre. Just a couple of weeks ago, I had no idea how I would build a new life and be able to sustain it. That was then, in the last week I have been offered a whole variety of consulting work, enough for a number of people.

I have moved from thoughts of breadline income to thoughts of making some serious money. Bam! I have fallen back into my old ways and have caught myself scheming on how to have it all! How fast have I fallen???

My wife and I chatted about this new conundrum this evening. I need to go back to my goals and ensure that anything I do on the money making front is linked to them. Either this consulting work assists me to meet my goals or it must go. I honestly thought that I had made the hard money choice when I gave up my well paid job, now here I am having to make that decision again. For an ambitious me, this is hard. How many times am I going to be tempted to go back to new paths but old ways?

I also wonder if I am not doing myself a disservice by not taking my year off. I have saved hard to afford this break. Perhaps I should be cashing in and enjoying myself. Then again perhaps I am over thinking this whole problem! There is nothing stopping me from continually trying new things to find the ones that are going to lead me to my definition of success....

I need to count my blessings, it really is great to have a high class problem on a Monday. And to be in demand - well that is it's own kind of high.....

I have spent the week working away in Tanzania this week. It was a really wonderful week on many levels. The most important reason was one that I would never ever have guessed. For the first time in many years I was actually appreciated. WOW!! I am not sure how many people work in an environment where much is expected and very little is shown in return. My job has been like that for some time but this week was different. Here was a bunch of people who had no idea if I could help them or not. Yet they took me in like a long lost family member and really looked after me. This may be the ex-pat way but it really made me feel part of something special! In the end I am not sure that I told them much that they did not know and yet they were gracious enough to tell me it was wonderful!!! Them appreciating me really encouraged me to the extra mile.

The learning for me is once again about taking people for granted. This must be the simplest and most common of human mistakes yet most frustrating. I cannot wait to get home to my wife and family and tell them how much I need them in my life and how proud I am of all of them. Being away really makes one appreciate home and what you have. I cant wait for my kids to whine in my ear and fight with each other and cause much havoc. They are my children and I will do my best to ensure that they know they are well loved, even when they behave poorly!

Any minute now, I am going to sort out the couple of mails that have slipped into my inbox in the last week of my corporate "working" life! Thereafter another plane trip to Cape Town and home. It is going to be a fantastic weekend!!!!

Next week - lots of stories and thoughts about the world of Africa....

It is another beautiful day here in Cape Town. There is a gentle breeze blowing, just enough to violently shake the tops of the trees. Roots are a very handy thing for plants in the Cape! I have no doubt that this breeze will soon escalate slightly to just under typhoon strength. I imagine that it is best not to hot air balloon at this time of year, unless you are looking to avoid paying for a plane ticket to Mumbai!

I am looking out of my picture windows thinking that I must have one of the best views in the world. Cape Town sure is beautiful.

Let me describe my view for you. I look out over a green area that can never be developed. It is in the shape of a cricket pitch probably because people play cricket on it. Behind the pitch is a magnificent row of oak trees, some of them hundreds of years old. Behind the old trees rises this majestic mountain classically referred to as Table Mountain. I get to feast my eyes on all of this whenever I am in my office pretending to work. Sometimes I even imagine climbing it and when I am most busy, I imagine where I would sit and contemplate life if I were not so busy.

Well my time is drawing near – soon I will be able to search out those special spots and use them as they were designed. A place to park my butt, while I take in the splendour of this most beautiful place. A place to think of little me searching for my little way to do something good!

I think that I am one incredibly anal chap! My wife may well agree. A reason why this may be so, is because I am writing a business plan for my life. I call it a life plan and yet I am having difficulty in planning exactly what is going to happen in the next couple of months. I suppose the idea is that I want to provide myself with a framework for my life over the next couple of years to ensure that I am focused on this new found knowledge of self. I would consider myself to have failed if I end up in a position when I am having plenty of fun or making plenty of bucks yet not achieving what I set out to do, which is to live a worthwhile life.

For this reason I have embarked on this anal project of a life plan. I have seen many businesses fail due to their lack of clear direction. I think that the converse could also apply in my personal life – having a business plan for my life must give me a better chance of success. One of the things that has always amazed me is that there are so many clever tools and processes that we all use at work and never think to apply to the businesses that are our lives. Watch this space and see if I can get them to work for me…..

My life plan includes all of those thoughts that I have had over the past months on how I can possibly rebuild my life in a way that gives priority to my family, spirituality and health. Obviously I have no way of knowing if any of this will work for me and so I have tried to include all sorts of ideas. Here is a basic cause and effect diagram :

I have also created a causal loop diagram. The idea behind this clever graphic is to better understand how the various key variables in my life impact on one another. I don’t think that this is 100% correct but it does allow me to understand all of the different points of stress in my life that I may target in order to change the outcome – an improved quality of life. I think it is pretty neat – this may be because I just like to think in pictures!!

By now you probably agree with my wife!!! Hopefully all of this thinking work will help and guide me through this period of wandering and keep me focussed on my life's new mission. Either that or waste some serious colour ink in the printer!!

I am at a loss for words today. I had vowed that I would include a bit of humour and refrain from references to deep conversations as there have been too many lately. Instead I have found myself tired and decidedly uninspired. After being away from home for another 3 days, I am certainly looking forward to spending time with my family. I feel the need to skate!!

Onto something else, a long resignation period is not the most wonderful thing in the world. Perhaps I am built differently to the normal person out there but I am finding it so difficult to put in the effort that I used to give to work. Once you have decided to leave, it really is time to go!

I have had a good trip this week. My many work colleagues and friends are scattered over a vast geographical area. Luckily for me, my work has been such that I have seen most of them fairly regularly over the past couple of years. This is the first time in my life where it is important to me that I say goodbye to all these people in all these many places. This trip was great in that I have been able to close a chapter of my life in both East London and Port Elizabeth. Last week, I had the opportunity to do the same in George. I certainly hope that this is not the end but just the beginning of a whole new set of relationships! I am not an emotional person yet this has perhaps weighed heavily on me (somewhere) and hence my lack of inspiration at this point in time.

I will work on it!! Stay with me now……..

I had another very interesting discussion yesterday with a colleague in East London. You may be thinking that I get around – I do! To both of our amazement, we discovered that we hold some similar common interests. What a wonderful surprise when you break through those working facades and discover the valuable individual lurking below. I had numerous other conversations throughout yesterday and today and one thing that they all confirmed is that there is a groundswell of people who are not fulfilled and are looking for more in life. To all those of you out there that have started to break through the tethers of your current life, I say go for it! It is rather pointless to be bitterly unhappy and expect that things will get better. You have probably heard it said, if you do the same things, expect the same results!

Interestingly enough I left the meeting with the colleague above and he said “nice meeting you!” What an irony that you can work with someone for years and yet get to know more about them in a just a couple of minutes when you add in a little bit of effort. So take the gap and go and get to know somebody a little better today!

I am wondering why all of this deep conversation is happening. Am I more receptive to this kind of talk? Had I ignored this completely in past? Was I plain ignorant and did I repel people? Or has this major move that I have started to make in my life given people the gap that they needed to have an open and honest conversation about how they really feel with me. Perhaps I am exuding a whole different kind of secret energy and this is attracting a whole lot of other energy to me? I don’t know the answer and I have no doubt that I can speculate all day – I am just privileged to have had these conversations as I believe that they are all gifts. I have heard so many opinions and positivity from so many people that I have this urge to go and buy a Dictaphone so that I do not lose anything. I also wonder if these conversations will continue once I leave the working world and if I will be able to find this richness elsewhere. Either way right now, to quote one of my mates, I am far richer in wisdom than I could ever afford to be!!!!

I spent the night with some life long friends and their children in Grahamstown. These are the kind of mates that you know will always be there for you in life no matter what happens in the interim (and visa versa). I hope that everyone has mates like this, as life without them would be joyless and foul. If you have spent any time reading this blog, you will have noticed that I have spent the majority of my time over the past weeks in deep conversations with people all over the place. It has been a time of much enlightenment for me as I have gone past the usual conversation niceties and delved into something far richer and meaningful. I think that all of these conversations have helped me to really grow as a person and for that I thank all of you that have been on the other side. I sure hope that all of you have gotten something out of these chats too.

The most fantastic thing about these mates is that they get it (and certainly my psyche at this point in time needs that). OK, so this is not the most fantastic things about these mates – there are plenty of other great features but for me right now this is important. In a world where money and power is everything it is great to talk about children and their value. I was informed by these mates that Plato (long ago philosopher) considered that a child’s character was fully formed by the age of 7. As a parent, your role switches from one of forming to one of nurturing and guiding. Compare this thought to the norm in society of spending the formative years of your children’s life actively trying to do what it takes to get ahead in our careers. Instead of actively investing in our children we are courageously chasing company ideals! Who then is forming the characters of our young children? Perhaps you are blessed to work from home or to be at home, in which case you have the advantage. What about the rest of us working the day, how do we make the time and effort to really invest in our children? I once heard somebody say that anyone who thinks that they spend quality time with their children is foolish because children need quantity! The meaning here is that ALL time is important and therefore you have to invest as much as you can. This is a scary concept and I am painfully aware that this is a near impossibility for most of us in our current lives. Had I continued on my path, I would have had very little influence in the further development of the characters of either of my children. I would have left their character forming to their teachers and friends and baby sitters. As wonderful as all of these people are, I cannot imagine that this is a job that I should be shirking! I march onward to cricket balls and chess and slow training runs and surfing and swimming and reading and chatting and lifts and debates. Viva the moms and dads who do this with hearts overflowing with love and joy!

I had a meeting yesterday that became so much more than a meeting. A new employee at work was supposed to come and see me as part of her induction. We missed each other over the last couple of weeks and probably rescheduled this meeting about 6 times. Yesterday the meeting happened, I knew that I had half an hour to bore the pants off this lady. I was hoping I would be so good at being boring and that she would then be so sleepy that she would ask not a single question! She arrived and we talked over the work stuff but got horribly distracted and moved into some interesting areas. To tell you the truth, here I was supposedly imparting some work wisdom and instead I came away from this meeting having learnt far more myself. One of her friends had completed her PHD along the lines of the work life balance and effective work based solutions. I blogged about this a couple of weeks ago contending that companies need to do more and that as employees we should push back more to ensure that our working life works for us. More than this, companies need to realize that money does not have the same allure for all employees, better working conditions are far more valuable to some. I found out that other companies like RMB work a 4 day week and yet another company has it’s staff alternate their Fridays. It was a breath of fresh air to hear that there are companies out there who are progressive in terms of their employees working space.

This lady was really interesting – she called herself an old soul and I would have to agree that this description sums her up well. She told me of a family ritual whereby each member of the family would have to share their high and low of the day at dinner time. What a wonderful way to appreciate on a daily basis the good that has come your way as well as recognize the bad and look to avoid it in the future. It was most interesting to understand the value of appreciating everything now while you have it rather than waiting for loss and then mourning your loss. Do what you can now to ensure that you have no regrets. Every experience must generate some learning and if not, it is an experience to be stopped or avoided. I liked her spunk! I tried this at home over dinner last night. My son told me that the highlight of his day was playing. The rest of the family declined to comment – I see that I am going to have to work at this!

I am not sure that I have done this conversation justice. Suffice to say that we stood up after 2 hours to go our separate ways. I could have chatted all day!

Well last night’s play was great, or as great as a whole bunch of 6 year olds can make it. As parents we really do not mind – just fantastic to see your child take part and do their bit. After all of my thoughts yesterday about how to encourage my son, I decided against getting him to imagine the audience naked (interestingly enough my wife said she would also dissolve into giggles if she had to imagine people naked – seems this is not a trusted technique!) – I went with the have fun option! Well the good news is that stage fright has left the building and he was perfect. I may even post a picture or 2 of my very own snake charmer. It was pretty cool to see a whole heap of parents so happy and excited and encouraging of their children.

There are heaps of opinions in this world. I was browsing Facebook and got a little lost. This little application can literally eat up your time. I was looking at some of the groups within Facebook and stumbled on a group “Jesus is Good” or something of that nature. It had heaps of members and so I thought, “let me check it out”. I was amazed to see that the first article that had been posted there was entitled “Should Christians celebrate Christmas”. Reading this, I was intrigued, who else should be celebrating Christmas if not Christians? The article was an interesting opinion supported by numerous bible references that Christmas is a pagan feast and that by celebrating it, in some way or another we break all 10 commandments. The article really blew me away. I appreciate that the world as a whole has converted Christmas into a commercial feast and that for most, it is about getting something that you want. A general rule that can be applied to the group often does not apply to the members. My own personal experience of Christmas is that it is a wonderful spiritual, family and love filled event.

The point of this monologue is that everyone out there has an opinion on just about everything. This was a particular interesting insight for me as the subject seemed to be completely improbable. I am about to start a new group on Facebook – People against spurious insights! Then again, if I am objective, this is an aggressive response to something that I do not agree with. The net has created amazing opportunities so that anyone can express their opinion and this is a thing to be welcomed. I imagine that with this Freedom comes great responsibility in that we need to ensure that the opinions and thoughts we place in society (much like this blog) do not amount to dangerous propaganda or harmful speech. Please make yourself heard if you do not like what I am writing! I will not target you in my new group – People against spurious insight (promise). Onto something more interesting….

I was thinking about my oldest son on the way to work this morning. He has a big play at school tonight and is most excited. He has been practicing for ages and had a full dress rehearsal in front of the whole school the other day. He came home and told us that he got stage fright and forgot his lines. Stage Fright for a 6 year old – that is an interesting concept!

You have now met the characters of this plot; a little child who is growing and experiencing and really learning about life; and me the dad, a strange and bizarre character. I was wondering what I say to him or what I do to unburden his mind that he will not fail in the same way again. I suppose that this is a common parenting thought – let me prevent my child from failing. What do I do or say to him so that he knows that whatever happens, it is OK. More than that is there anything that I can say to him that will encourage him to be the best that he can be? Do I have the power within me to help him both learn and grow and maximize this experience at the same time, or would I just be meddling with his normal learning process. In the end I will probably tell him that I love him and that he needs to go out and have fun – enjoy the experience just because it is so different and so unusual. I could tell him that when he puts on his stage makeup and goes out there he is a different person – he is hidden behind a mask and can be who he wants to be. I could also tell him to imagine the audience naked, although I think this will result in fits of giggles. As a parent, these are the things that should concern us – how do we make every single experience of our children’s lives, experiences of joy and learning?

There can be no doubt though, every parent will have their own opinion on how best to raise children. Perhaps this is another group that we can create on Facebook.......

I am going to quote from the book Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore, again! My understanding of Moore’s writing is that our souls are a critical element of our being and we need to actively care for them. I was reading a chapter about work and so I include these excepts that caught my attention :

1. “When we think of work, we only consider function, and so the soul elements are left to chance. Where there is no artfulness about life, there is a weakening of soul.”

2. “We move closer to the souls work when we go deeper than intellectual abstractions and imaginary fancies that do not well up from the more profound roots of feeling. The more deeply our work stirs our imagination and corresponds to images that lie at the bedrock of identity and fate, the more it will have soul. Work is an attempt to find an adequate alchemy that both wakens and satisfies the very root of our being.”

3. “Our work takes on narcissistic qualities when it does not serve well as a reflection of self. When that inherent reflection is lost, we become more concerned instead with how our work reflects on our reputations. We seek to repair our painful narcissism in the glow of achievement, and so we become distracted from the soul of the work for it’s sake. We are tempted to find satisfaction in secondary rewards such as money, prestige and the trappings of success.”

4. “When the soul is involved, the work is not carried out by the ego alone, it arises from a deeper place and therefore is not deprived of passion, spontaneity and grace.”

I read this chapter with glee. I can relate completely to the shadow side of these statements. My work has been about form, there has been minimal creativity that I have been able to include. My work has not stirred my imagination and so I have struggled to get out of bed and really contribute with all that I have. Work has not been a good reflection of myself and I have also seen the need to manage my reputation. I have tried to love the benefits of money and prestige and success but have failed dismally. These things just have not made me happy.

I believe that I have so much more to offer this world than what I am currently giving it and yet I have not found a way to tap into these reservoirs of passion and ability! For most of my life I have sincerely believed that I have needed to do something worthwhile. I have also considered this belief to be something I could just add to my life or an itch I could scratch when the time was right. I have come to the conclusion that far from being just an itch, this belief is actually a fundamental building block of my life and so by pushing it aside I was doomed to fail in deep satisfaction.

I am amazed to read in a book some of the failings that I have as well as suggestions on how to resolve them. More amazing is that I have just just begun this pilgrimage! Amongst all of the chaos and doubt and questioning of my decision, here is an uncalled for second opinion saying go for it!!! This is strictly not true but is my interpretation of Moore’s words. The essence to me is that we need to find work that stirs our soul. If we get this right, there is an outpouring from deep within ourselves that will fill our work with passion, spontaneity and grace. This is what my pilgrimage is about – finding work that satisfies the very root of my being!

I am sitting in my new office typing away merrily, filled with a different kind of inspiration. The air conditioning is assisted by a sultry breeze out of the south, gently chilling the air. The view is spectacular, hills have carved their way into the landscape and waves crash with abandon. Waves you ask? Yes, thundering waves rolling around the point off Victoria Bay. Vic Bay is a tiny, beautiful little place nestled on the coast just outside of George. Me thinks my office should always be here – it is magnificent and provides food for the soul. I am certainly tempted to be in the surf riding the backs of these beasts. Then again I am enjoying the soulfulness and majesty of the place and soaking it all up.

I need to quote again from Thomas Moore – he talks about the need for myth, ritual and spiritual life in terms of the nourishment of the soul.

“If we could grasp this simple idea, that some actions may not have an effect on actual life but speak instead to the soul, and if we could let go of the dominant role of function in so many things that we do, then we might give more to the soul every day.”

I have always been on the other extreme, a man on a mission! I like to know what I am doing and why. I have boundless energy and yet I do not like to waste it on any useless exercises. I like to be focused, there can be not a second wasted on frivolous activity! This was the old me. I have started to feel the benefit of just being. By this I mean, just enjoying browsing in a book store, or watching whales in the sea, or soaking up the special atmosphere of Vic Bay. These are things that are I have started to do without purpose, yet their very purpose is to care for me in a way that I have yet to understand. Bring on this new year – I intend to live a life filled with moments that are deep and pleasing because they help me become, well more me!

This weekend I read about the life of a saint whose memory is sometimes celebrated in the Catholic Church over this past weekend. Her name was Saint Elizabeth of Hungary – this woman was the daughter of the king of Hungary and gave birth to the future king. She was a noblewoman and yet she gave all of this up to become a servant of the poor and sick. She would wear simple clothing and feed hundreds of poor people on a daily basis. Here was a woman of royal blood in the 1200’s who gave up her comfortable and safe life to live a life of service to the poor. I have to say that I find this inspirational. It is interesting to see that aspects of society have not changed much over the centuries. The sick and the poor have always been with us, yet it takes extraordinary courage and character to devote ones life to the service of this part of society. In the past century we have seen Mother Theresa devote her life to the dying. Who is going to inspire us to really do good in this century? Is it you or I? We often don’t think of society in the past as being advanced in any way and yet the dilemma that this woman faced over 800 years ago is no different from the one that I face in my life today. She (and I am sure countless others) was able to make the right choice and have a significant impact on society. It is rather a stirring example for me to look up to and strive towards in my life.

I often think that we do not have many great role models in our society. Generally the people that our kids and ourselves look up to are movie stars or sports legends. For the most part these people are incredibly poor role models, yet I would imagine that they contribute the most to the shaping of societies norms. Fantastic role models that are truly great exist out there, one just needs to look a little harder to find them. These are the stories that I would like to share with my children to fill them with the wonder of what can be done with humility and the spirit of God.

Last night was sure interesting. It seems to have cleared my mind of all thoughts. A group of us took a yacht cruise at sunset. Now that sounds brilliant, the only issue was the 44 knot winds that were blowing. This good wind spent 2 hours alternating between battering us and drenching us. It was a kind of bonding experience – danger on the high seas! The joy is that I awoke this morning with my cold on high alert and my body a little un-roadworthy! It seems that big winds, salt water and a dying cold are not a good recipe to recommend to others seeking a cure. So, my thoughts this morning are scattered. I include instead some pictures of yesterday’s views.

This morning I had breakfast with my children. It was a different morning to yesterday when I had breakfast with an old colleague of mine. It was a wonderful experience just to chat and debate this future of mine and hear in the words of somebody else that this move of mine is possible. The other great thing is that this person is a role model – he too made a life decision and gave up his employment. He has ended up in a far better environment, doing things that excite and challenge him and thoroughly enjoying life. That was yesterday, this morning was very different. There were no deep discussions or in depth sharing of values. No, this morning was all out testosterone, grunting and laughter. A bout of serious rough and tumble! I think as fathers we often forget how important it is to play with our children. I don’t mean just play, but rather pure uninhibited play. We really had fun. I felt like more of a father for just having fun with my kids than I have in ages. The best thing was there was no right way to do it and no instructions to be given, it was just fun.

A theme that has come up in a number of conversations in the recent past has been about children and their upbringing. I recently heard of an informal study of great CEO’s. The only commonality amongst these people was their traumatic or difficult childhoods. It would seem that greatness comes from within. It would also seem that some people who have had to struggle through their early years develop an ability to really do amazing things. I assume that not everyone who has a traumatic childhood develops this inner strength – the point is some are able to make it regardless of their circumstances and influences. The corollary interests me - I did not have a traumatic childhood – does this mean that I will not become a great leader? The same question can be asked of my children. I am making this major life change to benefit my children by being a real father and getting involved in their lives. Am I reducing their chances of being truly great leaders by giving them the best possible childhood (loving family environment)? There is some food for thought!!

I was literally smacked by an idea this morning as I got out of bed. It could also have been that I tripped over the cat and hit the cupboard door! Either way I am the proud owner of a non original thought. I love the way that the subconscious mind works, it mulls things over for ages and then at the most unlikely time, it spits out a seemingly random stroke of brilliance. Well it sure seemed to be a stroke of brilliance at the crack of very early this morning. This idea comes from a thought espoused in a course that I attended at UCT called Creategy. A fantastic course if I must say!

Are you interested? The thought goes something like this (or exactly like this). I am not a writer (hopefully just not yet), I have not studied the depths of human emption and driving forces, I am also not a philosopher or a psychologist or a psycho analyst! I do however have a vision that life is not what it is supposed to be for me and I would like to mould it into something that better fits who I am. I would also like to inspire others to do the same although not necessarily in such a radical manner. The point is that I have an idea BUT I do not have all of the skills to successfully make this idea a reality. Enter the subconscious mind! How about if you (and I am talking to you as you read this) were able to contribute to this inspiring book? Would you be interested in include your story in these soon to be well thumbed pages? Is it possible that not just my story but yours too will help to inspire others to refocus their lives?

Now how do I get you to put your sticky fingers to the keyboard and send me your story? Obviously taking your story, publishing it and then feeling good about taking all of the credit would not sit well with me, although society would certainly approve! Would you be satisfied to contribute your story in exchange for good proportion of the book proceeds being donated to a charitable trust? This assumes that somebody out there wants to buy a book that includes our stories! Am I smoking my socks???

Please take 2 seconds and fill in my poll on the right hand side of this blog - I am interested to see what you have to think about my wacky ideas! Feel free to send me your comments too!!

I had dinner on Saturday evening and the topic of conversation turned to my future. I explained what I was going to get up to. One of the guests commented to me that one just needs to find the balance. My response was that “There is no way to balance the problem”. He said “There is”. I said “there isn’t”. If you have young children you will understand this argument – there is no end. He then said he was able to find the balance in his life. At this point his wife did not turn and look at him strangely or even comment to the contrary. I tell you that I looked deeply at her for any signs that her pupils were narrowing, her nostrils flaring or any other obvious facial tics – there were none. And so I had to accept that this was true. I was extremely disappointed that somebody else had worked out on his own that he needed to balance his life and that he had gotten it right, all without my help and example. In my state of denial, I decided to postpone my disbelief of his statement till later and then responded “It sure was not possible within my line of work”.

Interestingly enough my next thoughts were, “he does not understand what he is talking about”. My mind followed this up with “He obviously earns far less than me and has no concept of what real pressure and stress is”. As a well balanced thinking individual I thought “good work buddy, argument solved, he does not have a clue”. Move on to next drink!

Of all places, I was standing in church when my mind started to think properly again. Am I a fool or what? Once again I have been reminded and humbled by my own arrogance. It seems there is no end or limit to it! I realized that he could be right and that he could have sorted all of this stuff out. Instead I missed a valuable opportunity to explore his thinking and how he has managed to make peace with the different tensions or trade offs that he has within his life. I was shocked to think that I (Mr. lets not follow societies lead) had reverted to the money argument. I am the one who has not been able to balance my tensions and it is I that needs to make the change. It is also not him who should learn from me but rather I that should be learning from him. My wife was a little surprised when I nudged her and asked for a pen. I then proceeded to scribble furiously on a scrap of paper and later had to assure her that it was not a divine message from above, just my stupidity reasserting itself!

So today I salute all those who have managed to resolve these trade offs in ways that work for them – nice work!!

I had a chat with a another mate last night. We talked about a whole heap of things but the one thing that struck me was the amount of divorce that is taking place. I mean there are heaps of people that I know that have just recently gotten divorced and probably a whole heap more that are in the process. My thinking was really how much of a role does a company play in employees getting to this point in their personal lives. I don’t mean that companies set out to ensure that their staff separate but rather create an environment where it is most difficult for a couple to work at their marriage. By example I am talking about the long nights, time spent away, office politics, frustrated ambitions, huge pressure, very little give back to the employee, etc. Some may argue that this is the stuff employees are paid to deal with. Yes, this is true in a way. We are paid to deliver outputs. All the stuff I mentioned above is stuff that is going to come with every job out there and the higher up you are the worse this is going to be. Surely companies should be doing more to encourage happiness in the rest of their employees lives. We talk a lot about work / life balance but I am not sure that we have it right at all. I am really writing about doing things very differently in the workplace and rewarding employees (that want it) with something more important than just money.

Here are some ludicrous suggestions to take you out of the box. How about if your company instituted a rule that any employee that got divorced would be dismissed or demoted? I realize that divorce cannot be simplified to this extent and I apologise to all who may offended by this crude example. I am sure that nobody would need a divorce and a dismissal in their lives, there could be no worse support from your company! The hypothetical question is that if this was a rule in your business, what extra steps would you take to ensure that you are putting in as much effort on the home front as you are at work? Why is this not a rule in your life anyway?

If your company gave you a goal that you had to watch 95% of your kid’s soccer games as part of your work goals – how would you then restructure your life? What is stopping you from negotiating this now?

Another question that occurs to me as I write this is – are we as employees just pathetic? Is there not a whole bunch of excellent reasons to stand up and say to our managers that this is not good enough – we want more? There are plenty of people out there who are after money at all costs – this stuff does not apply to you. For the rest of us out there trying to live a balanced life, we need to be asking for the things that are important to us. The great tragedy in life is that we often don’t realize how important they are until they are taken from us!

I was reading “Care of the soul” by Thomas Moore last night on the plane trip home. This is a book about looking after you soul. It is deep and very thoughtful and filled with some clever psychological insights. It is a very interesting read. I do have to read it very carefully as it is quite deep and I am not well studied in matters psychological.

One of the thoughts that emerged for me was that I do not know everything there is to know about my subject. In fact the deeper I look, the more I find that I do not know anything at all. The more I look back, the more I see how far I have come and this is an interesting paradox because I feel that I know less now that I ever have and yet I have undertaken more soul searching than ever before. Pretty strange huh! Reading the Care of the soul” also makes me feel that I am pretty stupid when it comes to understanding the motivations and rationale for many of my actions and thoughts and emotions. The author as a psychologist (I have been corrected - see comment - Thomas Moore is a psychotherapist amongst other things) obviously has a big head start here in that this is what he does for a living. I myself cannot hope to fully understand or appreciate all of the concepts that he has included. I am going to be writing this book as a broken and incomplete person. I am going to make statements and have feelings that are filled with error or misunderstanding. I am not going to be right in all that I assert. This is interesting as this is what I want other people to go out and buy and then read and then take something out and then act. Is this a dangerous thing to do? Should I be waiting till I am older and more complete and wiser before I actually write this book. Is there also a catch 22, the older I get the more fixed and unwavering become my view points on the world vs the younger I am the more incomplete is my view.

On the other hand, I will be writing about my experience about making this change. I was asked today if I have done extensive reading on this subject. I must admit that I have not. I do understand that I am the only one that can make sense of my thoughts and fears and expectations and longings and dreams. I hope that through sharing this stuff, others will be able to think more deeply about themselves and hopefully together we can build a better world. My ambitions are small as you can read!!!!

I think I ate a very strange curry last night, all on my own – the joy of business travel. This strange curry opened not only nose but also my mind – I must share the address of this place! I spent the whole of dinner drawing pictures on scraps of paper and developing personal goals for my new adventure. I discovered that I am not afraid to set MONSTER goals. I hope there was more rationality involved when helping staff to set their goals in the past!!

I now have 10 very tough goals for the next 5 years! None are not going to be easy to achieve at all, but I suppose that is why one puts goals together in the first place. I have always understood that there is a tiny percentage of the population that have goals and even a smaller percentage that have them written down. This means that very few people actually know what they are aiming for in life. I want to be very clear WHY I am making my choices and I refuse to let life dictate where it will take me. I suppose that when life takes over, most of us end up chasing societies’ dreams and not our own. It is also possibly why so many of us are so unhappy with where we are in life. It is time to take our lives back from the insatiable vulture that is society.

I used to have some pretty good written goals and was well on track to achieving them. I am probably a bit anal in this area and had created an 8 year income statement and balance sheet that planned my financial path that I wanted to achieve. I would then regularly update this fantastic model to ensure that I was fully on track. My unhappiness realization caused me to stop and smell the roses. In the end I have used my financial model to plan my year off concept (who knows perhaps it will become a lifetime off concept). Without this detailed planning, there would have been no way that I ever would have been able to make this happen. It is funny to think that these are techniques that I would have employed daily at work BUT never think to apply in my personal life. If it works for a business why on earth should it not work to manage the exciting, dynamic, amazing and routine business that is my life?

Back to my goals, I have long thought about what I wanted to achieve with my life but last night was the first time that I have put pen to paper and crystallized that thought. It was really liberating! I am lucky in that I have had the experience now at both work and at home of having well thought out goals and actually achieving them through the focus and single minded dedication that they require to be achieved. I am now starting to sound like a goal guru. The point is that there is so much clutter in life that if we are not focused, we are going to get swayed by all sorts of influences and then not really achieve the things that we want in life or the things that make us happy at heart. A point I should make is that I did have all of these goals that I was on my way to achieving BUT they were not making me happy. Only once I have included this year off concept, did I truly start to look deep within myself and understand that I did not really know myself and what I wanted. I also started to understand that I was aiming for the wrong things in terms of my own happiness. I have long since ranted about the values and norms of society and yet my goals initially mirrored those of society. Talk about being hypocritical. I don’t like society and what it wants and yet I was trying to deliver the same things. For me it was a great realization that I was stuck like everyone else and that this is the norm. I sure had to find a way out! It has taken me 2 years to find it but until I focused my attention, there really was no way on earth that it would be possible – viva the human mind!

Another key reason why goals are so wonderful is that they help me make decisions now that may affect my longer term outlook, i.e. all of the decisions I make now have my long term goals in mind. Most goals should be set with the bar very high – this means that they are not easy to achieve. The only way to achieve them is to do it in baby steps. I can then make decisions about these baby steps on a daily basis knowing where I want to end up – it sure simplifies the decision making process.

My last word on goals is that they should be shared with your friends and family. I have been amazed at the support that I have elicited, as well as the spirit unleashed within myself to meet those marks (I would hate to let them all down!). I always thought that this stuff was private. I was convinced that others would laugh at my thoughts and ambitions. Now that I have published some of my thinking, I have heard plenty of sniggers (which I ignore), but those who really love and care and understand me, have become an amazing source of inspiration and support. This blog already includes a few surprising incidents that have happened to me in the recent past. There are plenty of people out there that are behind me and yet I did not even know this support was there. AND boy do I need that support. I think rather take the chance of being laughed at, than lose the opportunity for the amazing gifts that those around us have to share with us.

I met a mate on the plane this morning. He was seated at a window a couple of rows ahead of me. I almost went up to the chap next to him to ask him to switch seats with me. Good thing I didn’t as it was his dad! I later met his dad at the airport when we landed in PE and we got chatting. I mentioned that I had resigned and I started to talk about my plans for next year, i.e. write a book. He was interested in the content and so I explained my story about the choice between career and family. His first comment was that he can write a couple of chapters on that! He proceeded to point out some interesting benefits to the career option. Now this is where it really gets interesting – this is once again stuff that I have not thought about at all. His choice was to choose career (I imagine). The big benefit of the career choice is that you can generate real wealth – this in turn allows you to spend this wealth and your time later in life on your older family. I had not given this any thought. Here is a man who has the experience of this model working out for him. He did admit (and he really did not have to) that he was alive as is his family so that he is able to use this wealth to their advantage. I am not sure that all of us will be so lucky. I suppose in my mind the key shortcoming of this approach is that there is no way to guarantee a number of things :

- that you will generate wealth (not lose or spend it or die trying),
- that you will be alive and healthy,
- that your family will still be yours (i.e. not divorced or dead).

I do however, have a new appreciation for the fact that some choose to generate wealth as their way of being a good father. The question I come back to, is how much is enough, i.e. when does one stop working on the wealth base and turn back to one’s family? Is this what your family wants – financial security above all else? How much of the choice is driven by your need for power, influence and having fun rather than working as it were for the family’s best interests? More things to think about….

I had a great weekend away with my wife as a celebration of our marriage. We went to Hermanus and spent most of our time watching the whales at play. We also got up to some other interesting stuff, like browsing in a bookshop and ambling aimlessly around town. All very non child friendly activities but great for complete relaxation. My time spent in a bookstore was most interesting as I learnt something very important. I am NOT a philosopher at all. I keep telling people that I am going to write a non fiction book that will include some of my deep philosophical thoughts. I picked up a book titled 50 Philosophical Ideas You Really Need to Know by Ben Dupre. It is a far left field book, certainly in my mind. Theory number 1 was about a brain in a vat – i.e. are we really real (and what proof do we have that there is not a bigger being creating this fantasy that we call life) – much like the matrix. I found it to be fascinating reading for a non student of this art. What I did discover is that the author has an awesome pedigree and writes with amazing confidence and authority about his subject. This is something that I don’t really have – there is no right answer to life and yet I am going to need to write with the same passion. I suppose that there is a parallel here, life like philosophy has no right answer and if it is possible to write philosophically with authority then it must be possible to write about life in the same manner. Wow do I have so much to learn – what an exciting journey.

PS : The weekend was not great, it was AWESOME!!

I was thinking about time this morning. This is the only thing I truly have to give in my life. It is interesting that we give most of our time in the pursuit of earning money. We get embroiled in the companies we work for and think nothing of working harder or putting in more hours. We feel sure that all of this extra effort will not go unnoticed and at some stage it will pay in off in a better job where we will work harder still. Interestingly enough we don’t usually look at the converse. Most of us have 2 main commitments in our lives work and family. Sure there may also be other serious passions or studies in your life but I would imagine that work and family are the two that take up the majority of time. Why do we never think about working harder on our family, why is it so difficult to put in more hours at home? Do we believe that extra effort spent at home is worth less than the extra effort at work?

I would love to look at time from another angle. How about if we measured time as our ability to do good? How would we then view the demands on our time? I would then have to look at how I am spending time and judge if I am doing good things (and by good things I mean things that benefit others). If I am not doing good, then I am wasting goodness (rather than money). Sure I will have to put in time to earn money but then any time spent after I have generated enough to cover the bills would be wasted goodness. Wasted goodness bothers me on many more levels than wasted opportunities to make money…How cool would it be if you could combine your job to both earn you enough and be a work of goodness? Surely there are people out there who have made this happen?

Have you ever just found yourself hanging around at a function, a bar, work or some event wondering what you are doing there? If this happens to you (and it happens to me frequently) – you already know the answer – you are wasting your time. Pick up your feet and go and do the things that you should be doing!

If just you and I focused on doing good with our time – could we change this world??

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. It is the most important day of my year! In a time where marriage is irrelevant, I am proud to have been married for 10 years. The years have not been easy BUT we have stuck together and fought for each other through them all. I love my wife dearly. It is only when you have a family that is special to you that this decision that I have made makes sense - it is worth giving up everything just to increase their love in my life and mine in theirs. After all, I made the choice to have this family!!!!

I had dinner last night with a mate and his family. It was wonderful to once again have deep discussions with a good friend. Never have I debated the meaning of life with such intensity and I am amazed at how often this is happening to me. Visiting this friend is very interesting – once you open the door, you enter a whole new reality. Within a minute, I had met Spikey, the new pet Bearded Dragon. Sounds a bit violent for a pet but then this is not your average family. I also got to probe Spikey’s food – amazing stuff - a heaving mass of worms as well as a container full of crickets. I was even invited to chop of the cricket heads as Spikey is not too keen on the heads. He does however like his crickets dipped in a strawberry flavoured power - nothing quite like a strawberry cricket shake! Amazingly enough I did not find myself tempted to try one. With three boys and a girl in the house, conversation ranged from beheaded crickets to soccer to chess with the finale being a premiere of a song for a concert later this week (twice).

This is a special household – strong family values abound here! It is filled with respect and caring and love. These are just a couple of reasons why I thoroughly enjoy coming back to visit. These reasons and the deep philosophical debates that we have ensure that I leave with plenty to think about. My friend is also a truly special person to me in that he is a beacon in a sea of craziness. He is never afraid to ask the hard questions. For instance – am I making this change for selfish reasons? Am I sure that what I am doing is not purely for my own good but for the good of the family? I suppose what he is asking is am I doing this to get a holiday or is my family going to suffer as a result of this decision while I get to do the things I want to do? Tough questions, thanks buddy.

My visit was also a wake up call that I am extremely lucky to be in a position where I can take a chance with my life and do something different as well as have the financial resources to survive for a little while. Not everyone out there has the means or ability to make drastic changes, to do what they want to do. Most are well and truly stuck in life and there are very few options for desired change that are acceptable. Regardless of our life circumstance, we are all capable of asking hard questions of ourselves. We also owe it to ourselves to be honest with our answers. I am privileged and blessed to have a friendship as special as this one.

I am back in Johannesburg. My mother tells me that she has been reading my blog - I am most impressed with her savvy! She did tell me that she thinks that it is ludicrous that I describe myself as going through a pre-mid life crisis. In her mind a mid life crisis involves running from one's family and not towards it. I am afraid that I do not know the answer. I am a man with a mission - hopefully a mission that is not just filled with good intentions but also some serious follow through. I have written a lot about hope but I do hope that I can make a difference and actually do something worthwhile. For now though I need to be content with hope and putting the pieces in place to ensure that when my time and my opportunities come around, I am ready to act!

What is thing that I am going through in my life now? Is it the awakening of my soul or just an error in judgement? I have no idea what to call this period of my life -perhaps I will label it awakening. I hope this will placate my mum!! I certainly like the imagery.....

I have just been for a wonderful run in Johannesburg. There is an Eastern philosophy, although I am not sure what it is called, to which I now subscribe. As I understand it, the spirit gets tired during the day and gets out of balance with the rest of your body. If you get out there and do a bit of exercise, your spirit and body are brought back into harmony with surprising results – plenty of energy! The only problem with this philosophy is that there is no excuse for tiredness, in fact when you are most tired, you should be out exercising – a hard sell to any brain out there!

I have struggled to write anything meaningful for the last couple of days. I can say that I have had an awesome weekend. It all started on Friday when I was offered an awesome job, which I had to turn down. After work I spent some time surfing and broke my 8 week drought of no waves – that was some relief! Luke and I ran 2km at his school fun run on the beach on Saturday morning. It was fantastic to watch the little guy perform. He just kept on giving it his all – I can learn from this. I followed all of this up with some extreme gardening – moving potted plants from one side of town to another. My mother, aunt and uncle then joined us for dinner and then flew home the next morning. We had an easy Sunday which we ended with a walk on the beach and the most spectacular sunset. I had a most blessed weekend and I must say that I am thankful! I would argue that we have an awesome quality of life. Why should I give all of it up for a power job and big bucks?

I think I need to be talking about arrogance – my own. So here goes. I received a comment on this blog (check out Thursday October 25 - Running) and was really warmed by the sentiment that it contained. Here was somebody who had taken the time to read my rantings and then had actually made the effort to respond with some lovely words of encouragement. I had a look last night and replied ending with – ‘I am keen to make it happen - what about you?’ I went to bed last night thinking wow – that was arrogant. Sure I have made a decision to change my life but I sure as hell have not come close to making it work. I have yet to stop work and here I am dispensing throw away advice to other people to get their lives in order. Fact of the matter is, I have to make this change as I understand that my life is not the way it should be. I am not sure when I qualified to be able to give out advice on the lives of others. So to Kelly out there, I hope that I did not offend and I apologise for my arrogance. I certainly have a long way to go to grow into this new life of mine. I am going to have to make a number of internal changes and adjustments in my life and this is just one of them. One day I want to become a humble, loving human being.

My oldest son has a beach run this weekend. I thought that I would take him for some practice runs before we actually hit the beach on Saturday. I would imagine that as a 6 year old, 2km is a pretty major distance! I was amazed at how excited he was to go running with me. I suppose that he has seen me go off running and has thought it pretty cool and so he will get a chance to do what dad does. Yes please, dad the hero! We set off at rather a brisk pace and I was absolutely blown away at the amount of effort he put into his running, he just ran and ran and ran. We did stop a couple of times and at the end he really stepped it up a gear and sprinted for home. Once again I was amazed at how children are able to apply their minds and do things that you would never have thought them capable of. One aspect of my life that I am looking forward to is introducing them to possibilities – I can’t wait to be my children’s biggest fan!

One of the interesting things that happened on the run was that we passed stacks of people. Stacks more passed us in their cars! OK - not that interesting. All the people that saw us immediately realized that we were on a bit of a training run together. Every single one of them ended up with this funny smile on their faces which said “that’s so sweet”. So it may also have been a bit of gas but I like the way I have interpreted it! It certainly gave me that warm feeling that I am doing the right thing, spending real time doing things that my children want to do.

The other interesting thing and completely unexpected consequence of our running training has been the amount of conversation that we have had. We have had 20 minutes of quality talking time on each of runs. I have learnt tons about my boy, about school, about his friends, about what he did, about what he thinks about things, well really just all about his life. If you have young kids, you probably share my frustration in that I cannot get much out of them over the dinner table about their day. Most of these conversations are quite contrived and hardly deep. Now I eagerly await our runs, not for the exercise, but for the gift of getting to know my kids.

One more interesting thing was that I was able to slip into dad the coach mode and my children actually listen. Perhaps their blood is pumping a bit faster with the exercise and this turns on the listening section of their brains – can this be proven as a scientific fact? I think we all found this valuable as many of the coaching lessons that one learns in sport are things that can be applied to life; pace yourself, set some goals, sometimes things are tough – need to work through it, etc.

My youngest son was also dead keen to join us and so we all ran a bit of our route together. If you were wondering, my 3 year old runs 600m with only 1 short walking break – not bad when your legs are shorter than my shin!

I have had toothache for a week. I had some fillings done last week and they seem to have upset the balance in my mouth causing all sorts of exciting secondary complications (sounds good, don’t know what I really mean). I don’t think that I have ever had toothache in my life before. I now understand and can have compassion on those who suffer from the problem. The only tooth pain I have ever had was the result of a flirting injury! For some or other reason I was playing hockey with a couple of girls. A ball was lifted towards the goals and one of the girls took a massive swing, I mean this was a goal she was going to score! Fortunately for the ball, she missed. My front tooth on the other hand took a beating, jumped out of my mouth and lay on the ground in surrender. This random act of senseless violence went rather unnoticed in the media. I mean my tooth died out there on that hockey field. I made a decision there and then that this fledgling romance was not for me. Girl with stick – 1, boy without tooth – 0! So the extent of my tooth pain has been pretty sudden and bloody. This new tooth pain is rather annoying and incessant. I have no doubt that it should be banned together with our Government’s thinking on corporal punishment! Fear not I am tough – I managed to raid my wife’s supply of amazing drugs in the wee hours of the morning. Now I am bulletproof!

My family came over to visit this weekend which was wonderful. Living in 2 different cities, far apart, makes one really appreciate your family when you see them. On a heavier note, my mother told me about a family friend whose daughters have both been diagnosed with an auto immune disease. This is hectic stuff. The one daughter has suffered for some time with the disease but the second daughter has just found out that she has the same thing. The mother is rather upset and I get the feeling that she blames herself for passing on the bad genes that have resulted in this disease. What a sad and difficult situation. Here is my view. I really believe that our children have been loaned to us as gifts from God, and that it is up to us to simply love them. As terrible as the situation is, I cannot see how a mother can blame herself for something she had no control over (I mean who does DNA checks to see if you should have kids before you have kids?). I understand that there are a whole lot of emotions involved and that this is a terrible situation. On the positive side, she has done her best to be a mother to her children for many years. I have no doubt that they are going to both need her more than ever now. I would think that her kids would not have had it any other way, i.e. I got the bad genes but I also got you as a mother. This sounds very much like a live for the moment view (I almost wrote love for the moment – perhaps that is truer!). To take this further, what is more important, that we had life and loved or that we had a long life and loved?

So here I am again on another plane on my way to JHB. This is a part of my job that I dislike intensely. There is only one positive – people you tell about all of your plane travel seem mighty impressed. I am now ready to trade all of this pointless travel for a chair on wheels. One other positive is that I try and make every trip count by visiting family and friends wherever I go. This is fantastic and allows me to see so many people all over the place. Bottom line, I still ache for my own wife and children! I would far rather share these visits to all our friends and family with my family. I suppose you do what you have to do – grin and bear it. Tonight I will join a mate and all of his friends for a poker evening. It should be fun but then again so would a cricket game in front of my garage followed by a family dinner and story time!

What an interesting day! I thought that it would surely be a boring and wasteful one and yet it has given me some great hope! I am back on a plane again – flying back to Cape Town. Should be home late on a Friday night. Back to my day. I joined a national workshop today that debated a whole heap of the implementation issues. The exciting thing is even though I have resigned and I have no emotional attachment to the outcome of this project, I was still able to add value. I am still able to operate and think and I am actually pretty good at this stuff. Don't get me wrong – no major insights provided by me or project changing advice. More importantly I could contribute and could think about all of the issues.

Sitting on a plane is pretty cramped. It does not really lend itself to typing. I suppose that you cannot have everything. Is that also true in life – that we need to choose, as most of us cannot have everything? Perhaps we can have everything, we just need to be clear on what we want. For me I would be very happy to have all of my priorities met. Would that make me happy or would I still want more. When do we stop wanting more and more and decide to be happy with what we have and the moment that we are in. Is this purely a mental space or is this an existence in reality (i.e. we have stuff therefore we are happy)?

There is an ad on TV at the moment that caused me to sit up and listen. The payoff line is :
‘We all want different things because we are all different’. What a lovely advertising claptrap line BUT I do think that there is a serious element of truth here. Here I am waxing lyrical about my way being the right way to deal with your life – take it by the scruff of the neck and shake it all about. Yet not everyone thinks the same way as I do. Not everyone has the same priorities as I do. This was a key insight for me. It amazes me that I have spent 2 years thinking hard and deep about life and yet I still am learning some very simple things.

This life must be about balance. People talk about this all of the time yet I do not think that we have any idea about balance. I believe balance must be dictated by my priorities in life. My first pass at my priorities are :

v My family,
v my spirituality,
v freedom to manage my time.
v job satisfaction,
v fulfillment in that I am adding something back,
v fitness,
v enough money to cover the costs,

Looking at my life; I have very little family time, I battle to relate to my family when I do have the time, my spirituality is mostly neglected, I have zero job satisfaction and I have nothing in my life that creates a deep fulfillment. Obviously there is huge reason to change my life in a big way. Talking about balance – in the past I thought that I was managing the balance BUT when I examined my priorities and compared to what I actually had, the differences are vast. I did have money, power, a high flying lifestyle and respect. None of these things feature in my list of priorities and yet this is what I have been trying to balance with the stuff that I find important in my life. No wonder I was not getting it right at all!!!!

I had a great dinner last night with some people in East London. They were amazed by my decision to leave the corporate world (whilst on a good wicket) and take a rather different path. We had some awesome conversations about all sorts of things. This seems to be happening a lot lately – lots of people seem very happy to have deep philosophical conversations and yet this is something that I have not engaged in at all previously. Was I asleep and living in a world that was real and yet so superficial?

It was great to hear people telling me that this change that I am making is commendable. The thing is it is only commendable if I make it worthwhile. If I am unable to be an amazing father and husband then I have failed. If I am unable to spend time working with the needy, then I have failed. If I am unable to build a new income stream and have to return to the corporate ladder, then sadly I would have failed! This assumes that we have enough to live on and that the focus on income generation is then about excess. This now becomes an interesting debate – how much is enough? What is excess? How am I going to know and how am I going to divide my time to generating enough income and then family and community? How much risk would be too much risk for my family? I have so many questions…..I am sure that in time I will find answers.