To Write or not to Write

Many people have asked me over the last year about my book. Sadly, my answer to everyone has been that I started a company instead of finishing my book. Most people then get a glazed look in their eyes. I then try and generate some enthusiasm by saying that I did manage to write 14 out of a planned 21 chapters. But this rarely works! I have deduced that writing a book is far more exciting than starting a company.

The thing is I did give up my old life to start a new life, and this new life was to be centred around the book I was supposed to write. Perhaps the glazed look is the result of a thought that I am a fraud? That I have gone from idealistic writing to the same old corporate nonsense speak...

Anyhow this has all made me think...

11 months ago I saved chapter 14, backed it up to my external hard drive, and forgot about it! In that time I have held onto a belief that the only way I will finish this book is if I have a couple of months of me time with absolutely no distractions. My breakthrough has been to change that belief and rather test my ability to fit my writing into the rest of my life. I can longer wait for the myriad of balls in the air to fall before I plot my course. Instead, I am going to try and write, then play the balls when they land, and not a minute before!

The day before yesterday I opened up chapter 1 and began the process of immersing myself into my expression of life. I was surprised by my arrogance, my assumptions, my narrow views, and my mistakes. The last 11 months have been good to me in many ways but from a writing perspective, they have helped me to really mature and temper my views with reality. Perhaps now I am ready to write a really great non-fiction book that will cause many to stop and think. One can sure hope!

At the end of the day, chapters 1 to 4 had been reworked and rewritten. I am back!

Arrogence

I don’t know if you have given the concept of arrogance much thought. Personally this is something that I intensely dislike in others. For some or other reason, it really gets my back up.

I came up with the following concepts of arrogance, by no means a comprehensive or correct list of properties. It is that self important inflated sense of self. The self assured attitude that one is right and that nobody else’s view point really matters. The treating of other people as it they are insignificant. It is pride. That sense of superiority, where one knows that one is important. That love of self above all else.

A couple of weeks back, I found out to my horror that a good friend considered me to be arrogant. What? Me? Never! I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to work through the fact that I possibly could be arrogant. All I can say is that this was some honest feedback that was incredibly difficult to take. The mirror has been held up to my own personality and I find myself rather lacking. It is quite amazing how disappointed I feel in myself.

Thomas Moore writes about the shadow sides of our personality. If I remember correctly, those traits that we most dislike in others are the very same traits that we most fear within ourselves. And for me, this makes a great deal of sense!

So what to do now?

With a bit of help and support, I can try and reduce this blind spot in my psyche. One would have thought that with all of the work I have done on myself this year, I would already be a far better person. Perhaps I am, but then again blind spots are those things that we just cannot see within ourselves. This particular blight has probably cost me an incredible friendship. I hope and pray not. Then again I know how I cannot stand this trait in others, so I can understand how others may feel the same about me. It is all rather sad!

This has been a humbling experience, but I hope that I have found a new awareness of self that will help me in all my relationships in life. I am also going to stumble along the way but I am counting on you guys to gently push me back!

I had dinner on Saturday evening and the topic of conversation turned to my future. I explained what I was going to get up to. One of the guests commented to me that one just needs to find the balance. My response was that “There is no way to balance the problem”. He said “There is”. I said “there isn’t”. If you have young children you will understand this argument – there is no end. He then said he was able to find the balance in his life. At this point his wife did not turn and look at him strangely or even comment to the contrary. I tell you that I looked deeply at her for any signs that her pupils were narrowing, her nostrils flaring or any other obvious facial tics – there were none. And so I had to accept that this was true. I was extremely disappointed that somebody else had worked out on his own that he needed to balance his life and that he had gotten it right, all without my help and example. In my state of denial, I decided to postpone my disbelief of his statement till later and then responded “It sure was not possible within my line of work”.

Interestingly enough my next thoughts were, “he does not understand what he is talking about”. My mind followed this up with “He obviously earns far less than me and has no concept of what real pressure and stress is”. As a well balanced thinking individual I thought “good work buddy, argument solved, he does not have a clue”. Move on to next drink!

Of all places, I was standing in church when my mind started to think properly again. Am I a fool or what? Once again I have been reminded and humbled by my own arrogance. It seems there is no end or limit to it! I realized that he could be right and that he could have sorted all of this stuff out. Instead I missed a valuable opportunity to explore his thinking and how he has managed to make peace with the different tensions or trade offs that he has within his life. I was shocked to think that I (Mr. lets not follow societies lead) had reverted to the money argument. I am the one who has not been able to balance my tensions and it is I that needs to make the change. It is also not him who should learn from me but rather I that should be learning from him. My wife was a little surprised when I nudged her and asked for a pen. I then proceeded to scribble furiously on a scrap of paper and later had to assure her that it was not a divine message from above, just my stupidity reasserting itself!

So today I salute all those who have managed to resolve these trade offs in ways that work for them – nice work!!