I feel really bad.
My life has always been pretty busy but all of sudden I don’t seem to be able to fit it all in. Blogging has taken a back seat! For the short period that I have been at it, I have found it a wonderful outlet for my thoughts. At the same time it has helped me improve my writing through the use of different styles and ensure that scattered family and friends are kept in our loop.
On the downside, it takes heaps of time to write up a post and actually post it. Whenever I sit down to write I am plagued by questions about what else I could be doing. Could I finish some outstanding work, could I play with the kids, could I help more around the house with Isabella, could I do some DIY, or even get more involved with any of my charitable outlets?
Do I really have the time for this now and are the benefits significant?
Some time ago I compromised with myself and lowered my own goal posts to two posts a week. Right now I am failing to achieve even that. I hope with this short break between Christmas and New Year, I will find myself recharged and ready to get back to at least that!
Perhaps it is time to declutter as I prepare for this new year?
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Dads and lads
I sit here staring into the embers of the fire. Two of my neighbours share in my reverie. The coals glow red and orange, warming us as a chilly breeze cools our necks. Our tents have been pitched for a couple of hours now and the camp is magnificent. Spoilt only by the beer bottles which lie empty on the ground, abandoned and forlorn!
Our sons chase each other around and around the tents, tripping over guy ropes. Spontaneous bouts of wrestling are fiercely contested and quickly over as tears are spilt. Followed seconds later by laughter, grunting, and more tears! Boys!
Their mothers are not so far away but we hope happy in slumber. Toothbrushes, shoes, soap, and warm clothes have been abandoned. Instead dads rules have been implemented and will be strictly applied to our camp site. Very simply, anything girly and clean will be overlooked in favour of good old dirt and slovenly ways. The way boys are meant to be!
The braai is long over. Marshmallows and Marie biscuits have been toasted to cinders. The laughter has been replaced with tiredness. The call to bed is fiercely contended by the youngsters. Loud words are spoken and the tents slowly fill with deep breathing sons. The youngest continues to fight hard but soon succumbs to the allures of sleep. Another day ends, all in preparation for the day to come.
The three old ones talk long into the night. Deep thoughts and life philosophies. Magic moments shared. Soon conversation slows as sleep calls us too. Wearily we head off to our beds. I wonder why I am so blessed. To be able to share life with good friends and neighbours.
And soon I too am fast asleep, on a mattress in a tent, in my neighbours back garden!
Our sons chase each other around and around the tents, tripping over guy ropes. Spontaneous bouts of wrestling are fiercely contested and quickly over as tears are spilt. Followed seconds later by laughter, grunting, and more tears! Boys!
Their mothers are not so far away but we hope happy in slumber. Toothbrushes, shoes, soap, and warm clothes have been abandoned. Instead dads rules have been implemented and will be strictly applied to our camp site. Very simply, anything girly and clean will be overlooked in favour of good old dirt and slovenly ways. The way boys are meant to be!
The braai is long over. Marshmallows and Marie biscuits have been toasted to cinders. The laughter has been replaced with tiredness. The call to bed is fiercely contended by the youngsters. Loud words are spoken and the tents slowly fill with deep breathing sons. The youngest continues to fight hard but soon succumbs to the allures of sleep. Another day ends, all in preparation for the day to come.
The three old ones talk long into the night. Deep thoughts and life philosophies. Magic moments shared. Soon conversation slows as sleep calls us too. Wearily we head off to our beds. I wonder why I am so blessed. To be able to share life with good friends and neighbours.
And soon I too am fast asleep, on a mattress in a tent, in my neighbours back garden!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Mental Block
Sitting up at 02h00 in the morning, trying to rock a child to sleep with rather large eyes, weird thoughts prick the consciousness.
Earlier in the day I had stepped into the pool after another hectic Judo session. I was hot and bothered and keen to cool down. The pool was cool bordering on cold. I slowly waded in until the water was at my waist. I had this feeling that I should dive in and at the same time an overwhelming resistance to that exact thought. I dove in, got wet and felt much better. We all know that it is far better to get in fast and acclimatise than to delay the inevitable. Yet for some reason, my mind prefers the later.
I wondered if this was happening more and more to me as I get older. The refusal of my mind to accept a leap of faith when the alternative is slow and unpleasant. The first thing that popped into my mind; dropping in on my halfpipe!
Just the other day, I took myself off to the Stellenbosch skate park. They have a tiny halfpipe outside for those wanting to learn this great skill. By tiny, I mean it is about a foot high. The one in my garden is just short of six feet high. I stood at the top of this little drop for more than thirty five minutes before I gave up. I was frozen on the lip with only my sweat dripping to the ground. Simply unable to make that small leap of faith in myself! I cannot express in words how my mind procrastinated any movement even though there was almost zero chance of injury. And then I gave up!!!
Walking to my car, I myself to be highly annoyed. Getting there I turned around determined to beat my own fear. At the ramp I found some dude sitting on the side having a smoke. Instead of making matters worse, my new audience of one forced me to make both the mental and physical leap. I dropped in easily! And then did it again, and again!
One foot down, six to go...
I think that same mental block crops up in many other situations in my life. But now I am ready and waiting for it to appear. I intend to take the bull by the horns, throw caution to the wind, and beat this fear back, one crazy moment at a time!
Earlier in the day I had stepped into the pool after another hectic Judo session. I was hot and bothered and keen to cool down. The pool was cool bordering on cold. I slowly waded in until the water was at my waist. I had this feeling that I should dive in and at the same time an overwhelming resistance to that exact thought. I dove in, got wet and felt much better. We all know that it is far better to get in fast and acclimatise than to delay the inevitable. Yet for some reason, my mind prefers the later.
I wondered if this was happening more and more to me as I get older. The refusal of my mind to accept a leap of faith when the alternative is slow and unpleasant. The first thing that popped into my mind; dropping in on my halfpipe!
Just the other day, I took myself off to the Stellenbosch skate park. They have a tiny halfpipe outside for those wanting to learn this great skill. By tiny, I mean it is about a foot high. The one in my garden is just short of six feet high. I stood at the top of this little drop for more than thirty five minutes before I gave up. I was frozen on the lip with only my sweat dripping to the ground. Simply unable to make that small leap of faith in myself! I cannot express in words how my mind procrastinated any movement even though there was almost zero chance of injury. And then I gave up!!!
Walking to my car, I myself to be highly annoyed. Getting there I turned around determined to beat my own fear. At the ramp I found some dude sitting on the side having a smoke. Instead of making matters worse, my new audience of one forced me to make both the mental and physical leap. I dropped in easily! And then did it again, and again!
One foot down, six to go...
I think that same mental block crops up in many other situations in my life. But now I am ready and waiting for it to appear. I intend to take the bull by the horns, throw caution to the wind, and beat this fear back, one crazy moment at a time!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Asleep or awake?
I cannot believe how one so little has been able to reprogram my world in just a few short weeks!
My world now spins around a new axis. My darling little girl! It is not that I want it to be that way, it is just the way it is. My memory must be failing rather significantly as I do not remember this being the case when my two boys were babies. It amazes me how helpless babies are. How on earth has the human beast survived when our starts are so fragile, so linked to a mother’s love?
Any yet, regardless of all of our other commitments, we find the time and effort, albeit with great difficulty, to be there when she is hungry, wet, and unhappy. Somehow we will do our best by her and make sure that she is able to grow into her future.
Unfortunately helping her means sacrificing many other aspects of life, the most telling of course being sleep. There are many other things that get neglected, like our other children, ourselves, each other, the garden, the house, the cooking and my blog. From having a highly organised life, we have devolved into a state of getting through the day.
Last night in my absolute exhaustion, whilst falling asleep at the dinner table in front of some good friends, I knew with certainty that this too must pass. Although probably not before my bad manners are exposed on many more occasions!
The thing is, I would not have it any other way...
My world now spins around a new axis. My darling little girl! It is not that I want it to be that way, it is just the way it is. My memory must be failing rather significantly as I do not remember this being the case when my two boys were babies. It amazes me how helpless babies are. How on earth has the human beast survived when our starts are so fragile, so linked to a mother’s love?
Any yet, regardless of all of our other commitments, we find the time and effort, albeit with great difficulty, to be there when she is hungry, wet, and unhappy. Somehow we will do our best by her and make sure that she is able to grow into her future.
Unfortunately helping her means sacrificing many other aspects of life, the most telling of course being sleep. There are many other things that get neglected, like our other children, ourselves, each other, the garden, the house, the cooking and my blog. From having a highly organised life, we have devolved into a state of getting through the day.
Last night in my absolute exhaustion, whilst falling asleep at the dinner table in front of some good friends, I knew with certainty that this too must pass. Although probably not before my bad manners are exposed on many more occasions!
The thing is, I would not have it any other way...
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Perfection - overrated!
Being a wanna be perfectionist makes life hard! I like having my ducks in a row. Well, truth be told, I don’t have any ducks, but I like my books aligned on the bookshelves, flowers growing parallel to the bed borders, the pool sparkling, and all clutter packed away!
I like having a plan for life and then celebrating as it runs smoothly according to that plan. Lately though, the plan seems horribly flawed. Celebrations are few and far between, weeds are growing in the driveway, bugs are gnawing on the vegetables, and the dishes are piling up in the sink!
The rot seems to have started with the small members of the house; they just fail to fall into line when told to do so. What is with that? Backchat, whining, arguments, and tears. Even the animals seem to have minds of their own, pestering for food well before their allotted meal times. Everyone seems to be fighting; be it cat on cat or brother on brother. Have they not read the memo on keeping it together, sometimes backing down even when you are right! We will have to go through that speech again, another deviation from the plan.
Unfortunately someone also seems to have forgotten to explain the plan to the new madam of the house. She seems unfazed by the fact that she is still not adhering to the specified night sleeping plan, i.e. sleep when it is dark! Then she carelessly ignores the correct feeding quantities; preferring instead to want more when you don’t have it and not finish what you have when you do. This young lady's attitude is going to have to change and change fast.
Yet it is the smallest and newest member of the household that has opened my eyes.Sitting in the dark, tired as can be, looking into her wide awake eyes, whilst stuffing a bottle into her mouth, I realised something. Life has its own plan. I can choose to fight for my plan or I can accept the myriad of possibilities on offer. Each to be seized as and when they present themselves.
Sometimes it is just fine to revel in disorder and go with the flow. To ignore the dirty dishes, the bugs, and the weeds, and simply rejoice in being alive!
I like having a plan for life and then celebrating as it runs smoothly according to that plan. Lately though, the plan seems horribly flawed. Celebrations are few and far between, weeds are growing in the driveway, bugs are gnawing on the vegetables, and the dishes are piling up in the sink!
The rot seems to have started with the small members of the house; they just fail to fall into line when told to do so. What is with that? Backchat, whining, arguments, and tears. Even the animals seem to have minds of their own, pestering for food well before their allotted meal times. Everyone seems to be fighting; be it cat on cat or brother on brother. Have they not read the memo on keeping it together, sometimes backing down even when you are right! We will have to go through that speech again, another deviation from the plan.
Unfortunately someone also seems to have forgotten to explain the plan to the new madam of the house. She seems unfazed by the fact that she is still not adhering to the specified night sleeping plan, i.e. sleep when it is dark! Then she carelessly ignores the correct feeding quantities; preferring instead to want more when you don’t have it and not finish what you have when you do. This young lady's attitude is going to have to change and change fast.
Yet it is the smallest and newest member of the household that has opened my eyes.Sitting in the dark, tired as can be, looking into her wide awake eyes, whilst stuffing a bottle into her mouth, I realised something. Life has its own plan. I can choose to fight for my plan or I can accept the myriad of possibilities on offer. Each to be seized as and when they present themselves.
Sometimes it is just fine to revel in disorder and go with the flow. To ignore the dirty dishes, the bugs, and the weeds, and simply rejoice in being alive!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Thinking, not writing
So many words have been aimlessly tumbling around in my head for days. Strings of adjectives, pronouns, and a metaphor or two! Prose so pretty it makes me smile. My mind so fatigued with baby demands that it is all but forgotten in an instant.
Work has seen many dormant projects rise out of the ashes like proverbial phoenix’s and clamour for our attention. At a time when everyone is winding down, I find myself winding up. The challenge has awakened my brain which has been lulled into complacency by intra feeding sleeps.
Yet sitting here, my words wither and dry up. Ideas sparkle and vanish without a trace. My head spins with possibilities and what if’s. And the screen in front of me remains obstinately blank. My energy seems to have been spent.
I will try again tomorrow...
Work has seen many dormant projects rise out of the ashes like proverbial phoenix’s and clamour for our attention. At a time when everyone is winding down, I find myself winding up. The challenge has awakened my brain which has been lulled into complacency by intra feeding sleeps.
Yet sitting here, my words wither and dry up. Ideas sparkle and vanish without a trace. My head spins with possibilities and what if’s. And the screen in front of me remains obstinately blank. My energy seems to have been spent.
I will try again tomorrow...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
A hodgepodge update
It seems like ages since I last posted anything and I am feeling appropriately guilty. So much has been going on; most of it in a state of sleep deprivation!
It gets worse; I even found myself looking forward to a kids birthday party. One of Luke’s friends invited him and I to a camp out on their family farm. Apart from my enjoyment of camping and the ‘coolness’ factor of spending quality time with my oldest, I had an ulterior motive that involved uninterrupted slumber. The lads had a roaring time as did the dads but I was happy to hear the lads ordered off to bed. I found the process of putting my son to bed so tiring that I decided to crawl into my sleeping bag to rest for a while. A howling wind, a lack of fibre in my sleeping bag, and a thin mattress ensured that my sleep was far from comfortable or interrupted. Regardless, it was the best kids birthday party I have ever attended!
The weekend also saw me taking a number of photographs of a family in my new makeshift lounge studio. I was surprised how easy it was to capture some really great portraits. Once again, the blindingly obvious that practise makes perfect shone on through! Although I am far from perfect...
Work has recently come pouring through the door. Hopefully it will keep on coming in although it does mean that my book is now on the back burner again. At least this time I know that I can pick it up at any time and carry on. I will finish it; I have a story to tell and a message to share!
Judo last night was also a revelation. I walked out of the Judoka without a single new injury, a first in many weeks. Please note that I also managed to walk and not stagger out using my two boys as walking sticks. I have a sneaky suspicion that my Judo improvement has something to do with my brain being firmly engaged again! Is it possible that an engaged brain means one is able to perform better in all aspects of life? If so, how do I keep it engaged when not fully engrossed in a project?
And the new star of our family has certainly kept us on our toes. There is no doubt in my mind that the human brain is programmed to forget the constant minding that a new born requires, the sleeplessness, the inability to reason, the complete lack of communication, and the incredible joy of having had a small part to play in this fragile new creation!
All sorts of new charity projects have suddenly sparked my interest. Just this morning I met a chap in the school parking lot who is planning to rent a warehouse to house the homeless in our town. Here I was contemplating the lack of surfable waves and this chap is trying to make the lives of at least 100 people better than ever! I can certainly see myself getting involved in a piece of that. First though, I have to get my Sir Lowry’s Village ‘fix a house’ project going. I have a number of volunteers including a builder. My mom has also made a donation of R1000 to get us started. With a bit of luck, we will be able to make a real difference in the living conditions of a family or two with that.
Dear Isabella is gentle calling me over. I must find out what she needs...
It gets worse; I even found myself looking forward to a kids birthday party. One of Luke’s friends invited him and I to a camp out on their family farm. Apart from my enjoyment of camping and the ‘coolness’ factor of spending quality time with my oldest, I had an ulterior motive that involved uninterrupted slumber. The lads had a roaring time as did the dads but I was happy to hear the lads ordered off to bed. I found the process of putting my son to bed so tiring that I decided to crawl into my sleeping bag to rest for a while. A howling wind, a lack of fibre in my sleeping bag, and a thin mattress ensured that my sleep was far from comfortable or interrupted. Regardless, it was the best kids birthday party I have ever attended!
The weekend also saw me taking a number of photographs of a family in my new makeshift lounge studio. I was surprised how easy it was to capture some really great portraits. Once again, the blindingly obvious that practise makes perfect shone on through! Although I am far from perfect...
Work has recently come pouring through the door. Hopefully it will keep on coming in although it does mean that my book is now on the back burner again. At least this time I know that I can pick it up at any time and carry on. I will finish it; I have a story to tell and a message to share!
Judo last night was also a revelation. I walked out of the Judoka without a single new injury, a first in many weeks. Please note that I also managed to walk and not stagger out using my two boys as walking sticks. I have a sneaky suspicion that my Judo improvement has something to do with my brain being firmly engaged again! Is it possible that an engaged brain means one is able to perform better in all aspects of life? If so, how do I keep it engaged when not fully engrossed in a project?
And the new star of our family has certainly kept us on our toes. There is no doubt in my mind that the human brain is programmed to forget the constant minding that a new born requires, the sleeplessness, the inability to reason, the complete lack of communication, and the incredible joy of having had a small part to play in this fragile new creation!
All sorts of new charity projects have suddenly sparked my interest. Just this morning I met a chap in the school parking lot who is planning to rent a warehouse to house the homeless in our town. Here I was contemplating the lack of surfable waves and this chap is trying to make the lives of at least 100 people better than ever! I can certainly see myself getting involved in a piece of that. First though, I have to get my Sir Lowry’s Village ‘fix a house’ project going. I have a number of volunteers including a builder. My mom has also made a donation of R1000 to get us started. With a bit of luck, we will be able to make a real difference in the living conditions of a family or two with that.
Dear Isabella is gentle calling me over. I must find out what she needs...
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