Yesterday was a tough day.

Long ago, perhaps in another lifetime, I was warned about two critical losses when giving up work. The first loss is contact with other people. This has actually been a gift, I have gained contact especially with family and friends. The second issue is the loss of purpose. As a thoroughly focussed chap, I knew that this would never be a problem.

That loss of purpose hit me hard yesterday....

Just two days ago, I blogged that I was in a place that I would never have dreamed about. I also blogged that this was an incredible place to be. Both these things are still true.

I was not prepared for yesterday though....

Do you remember ever moping around the house as a kid saying, ‘I’m bored’. Perhaps you have children that do this and it thoroughly exasperates you. It certainly bothers me although I clearly remember that feeling of just not feeling like doing anything. There just seems to be no point. I would walk round and round the house just looking at stuff and thinking, nope, I don’t want to do that, or that, or that. Round and round achieving absolutely nothing.

That was my day yesterday. Lately my writing has been so uninspiring that I have put it aside, so I could not write. My ‘to do’ list has all been but crossed off, so there were no tasks to do. There was no surf to surf. My children were at school or with mates. So I sat in front of my laptop and refreshed my mail, hoping that somebody had sent me something to do, again, and again. I even spent time staring my laptop into sleep mode and got pretty good at this! I wrapped it all up by falling asleep in the middle of the day on my son’s bed.

For the first time since I was a child I had nothing to do. It was a horrible realisation. For so many years, I may have been bored in my work, but at least I was busy and knew that I was supporting my family. Yesterday, I did not even have that! Yesterday I was a burden to them.

The other thing about yesterday is that I did not see it coming and when it came, I did not recognise it. Later in the afternoon, through a fog of self doubt, I saw this self pity for what it was and decided not to do something about it. I closed my laptop and resisted the urge to throw it out of the window. I then put my mind to sleep by aimlessly pottering around the garage and the garden. Some mindless TV sealed the deal.

I have realised that in the past my weeks used to be jam packed with activities. I did not have to think, I just had to execute my diary and turn up when and where it indicated. Now, I need to carefully plan my life and fill it with well chosen activities. If I stay at home, I need to think about what I want to do and what I want to achieve, and then go and do just that.

This morning I woke up and went for a slow and enjoyable run along a new route so that I would not obsess about my time. I then checked out the Two Oceans route, as that will keep me occupied on Saturday morning. From there I spent some time in reflection and on this here blog. I now have a bit of charity work to do this morning followed by a trip to Cape Town to register for Saturday. I feel far better having identified the cause for my low and hopefully will prevent it from visiting me again.

Have you ever wondered what it must be like to sit in a chair in an old age home watching but not seeing the TV all day, every day? Waiting to die?