There is a war going on in my head. The different factions are all doing what they can to gain the upper hand. The fighting is intense and seems to be heating up, big time.

One side is pretty devious, they are all for materialism and wealth. They want me to go out there and get more and more and more. Just today I saw a house on the beach that looked awesome. I got the number and called. The house was tiny, a wooden beach hut, just up from the beach. The asking price was a paltry R3.2 million. Funny enough, this warring faction got into gear and started scheming ways to produce a little less than the asking price. With thoughts of being next to the beach, walking to a surf break and sleeping to the sound of crashing waves, these soldiers seemed to be getting the upper hand.

Another of the factions is in a little disarray. This faction is all for improvement of society and the upliftment of the poor. They really want me to devote my life to the ideal of working for the common good. Sure they have made a little headway in a couple of areas. But the headway seems to be starts and follow through has been lacking to date. I started my blog to rant about society and have ended up with a blog that seems to be a place of semi motivation and some schizophrenic mental ramblings. I suppose that is what a blog is all about, letting you into a window of my world, mad or not! On the book front, things have ground to a complete halt, as my intense inspiration vanished into thin air. That’s actually not true, after the inspiration dried up I continued to write some wonderful drivel. I will have to deal with that soon and throw it all away... There have been a couple of good wins, but this side needs to put in some intense effort in order to come out on top.

And then there is this splinter group. They are pretty laid back and relaxed. Relax, take it easy is their slogan and I seem to keep hearing it on the radio too. These dudes are keen to surf and surf and then take it easy some and then do some more surfing. They are quite keen to sleep in late, read lots of fiction and just enjoy the good life. The irony is that these guys are doing pretty badly in the war. I have all of this time yet have spent less of it reading, surfing and in reflection that when I had a full time job. The guys are still pretty convincing and I have to say that the good life is certainly rather appealing but it would seem that I intend to err on the side of activity. I have no doubt that if they win, they will come short with the last of the cash that I can scrape together. They can’t last too long.

The ultra conservatives are also part of the battle. They seem to be ruling the roost at the moment. They are convinced that if I slack off for a minute the world will fall to pieces. They are quite a rough and demanding bunch of comrades. I do think that I would rather be friendly with them than against them. These guys want to maintain my current lifestyle, whatever that may be. They want to do what they can but they seem to be a bit slow in their thinking. They have not yet managed to find a way. They are searching for business opportunities and trying to understand what it is that I should be doing with my life. To date, no news on that front. Instead they believe in action, action and more action. Sleeping on the job and relaxation is not acceptable and should be followed up with more activity in order to ensure that all lost time is made up. I hope that they will consolidate their activities soon as I am tired of continuous action. This idea of being a pilgrim in ones own life sounds like an ideal romantic notion but in reality it is tiring as there is no focussed direction.

Backwards and forwards, volleys of shots, lots of wasted ammunition. Missiles, rockets and subversive tactics. Charges and rebuffs, broken defences breached and on it goes.

I don’t need a beach house. Somehow I have to find a way to support my family and work for the common good of all. Within me, I know that this is the answer. I suppose it is the how that has caused my mental battle. This is my own conundrum that I need to solve, as many before me have solved in their own lives. I also know that I have to take it one day at a time and that my path will slowly become clear to me.

Pity that I want to know now!