Am I boring you?

I have been travelling again.

On a delayed flight back home as I try and write something intelligent. Today saw the end of the five courses I was scheduled to facilitate. It was good but could have been better. I have certainly improved but still find I fall desperately short of where I would like to be.

I was the worst student ever. I hated lectures or training and often found myself building complex contraptions from the contents of my pencil box. Now it is me standing in front of a crowd of people, who are listening and evaluating my every word.  Far removed from the inane boredom I used to feel and deep in new territory where I have the ability to create that same boredom in a number of unsuspecting students. Or to do the exact opposite and excite something within them to be better than they were. I am more than a little aware of how tenuous this balance can be!

There seems to be much for me to learn. The art of timing, developing interest, changing tack when interest is lost, reading an audience, speaking directly to my audience, and doing it all without prompts. I had a manager in SAB who believed the art of a good speaker was someone who could get up in front of an audience and convey his message without having prepared a thing. I fall well short of that mark!

I don’t think I am a trainer. It is something I do when asked, in order to pay the bills. Training is certainly not my passion. However it may be a small step on the way to me becoming a public speaker. Now that excites me! Public speaking has not always been a dream of mine. Instead it is something that has crept up on me with some stealth. Perhaps the experiences of the last year have lent some support to the notion I could be a good speaker and share something of a worthwhile message.

Therein of course lies the problem, the lack of a message which is interesting and worthy of a listenership. I have no amazing speciality, in depth research, wonderful stories, or even a remotely good stand on an issue. I do have a passion for fatherhood and the family and plenty of counter society thought. I fear it is not enough.

If this past year has taught me anything, it is that the unexpected happens. And when it does, one hopes you will be in the audience to cheer me on.

Next week

Next week it will be quieter and then I will take it easy.

I think I have been saying this since the year started. I am sure that we all have. How is it that we manage to fill our lives with so much activity? How can there be so much to do? And why do we have to do all of it?

I clearly remember those days as a child when I was thoroughly bored. Nothing grabbed my fancy as I listlessly walked circles around the house. And yet I would gladly trade some of my business for some of that time now!

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to time. The moment I have nothing to do, I fill that void with all sorts of things. As soon as I see the back of one project, another one twice as exciting rears its enticing head. And then I am sucked back into my endless cycle of rushing to get it all done. Moments to spare are not appreciated until I don’t have any of them. I really cannot remember having very many this entire year. I have this notion that a number of spare moments are waiting for me just around the next week, but I am almost prepared to admit that I have been wrong. There are none in store for me at all...

I am a little frightened at the thought!


Don’t worry, next week I am going to...

Yesterday was a tough day.

Long ago, perhaps in another lifetime, I was warned about two critical losses when giving up work. The first loss is contact with other people. This has actually been a gift, I have gained contact especially with family and friends. The second issue is the loss of purpose. As a thoroughly focussed chap, I knew that this would never be a problem.

That loss of purpose hit me hard yesterday....

Just two days ago, I blogged that I was in a place that I would never have dreamed about. I also blogged that this was an incredible place to be. Both these things are still true.

I was not prepared for yesterday though....

Do you remember ever moping around the house as a kid saying, ‘I’m bored’. Perhaps you have children that do this and it thoroughly exasperates you. It certainly bothers me although I clearly remember that feeling of just not feeling like doing anything. There just seems to be no point. I would walk round and round the house just looking at stuff and thinking, nope, I don’t want to do that, or that, or that. Round and round achieving absolutely nothing.

That was my day yesterday. Lately my writing has been so uninspiring that I have put it aside, so I could not write. My ‘to do’ list has all been but crossed off, so there were no tasks to do. There was no surf to surf. My children were at school or with mates. So I sat in front of my laptop and refreshed my mail, hoping that somebody had sent me something to do, again, and again. I even spent time staring my laptop into sleep mode and got pretty good at this! I wrapped it all up by falling asleep in the middle of the day on my son’s bed.

For the first time since I was a child I had nothing to do. It was a horrible realisation. For so many years, I may have been bored in my work, but at least I was busy and knew that I was supporting my family. Yesterday, I did not even have that! Yesterday I was a burden to them.

The other thing about yesterday is that I did not see it coming and when it came, I did not recognise it. Later in the afternoon, through a fog of self doubt, I saw this self pity for what it was and decided not to do something about it. I closed my laptop and resisted the urge to throw it out of the window. I then put my mind to sleep by aimlessly pottering around the garage and the garden. Some mindless TV sealed the deal.

I have realised that in the past my weeks used to be jam packed with activities. I did not have to think, I just had to execute my diary and turn up when and where it indicated. Now, I need to carefully plan my life and fill it with well chosen activities. If I stay at home, I need to think about what I want to do and what I want to achieve, and then go and do just that.

This morning I woke up and went for a slow and enjoyable run along a new route so that I would not obsess about my time. I then checked out the Two Oceans route, as that will keep me occupied on Saturday morning. From there I spent some time in reflection and on this here blog. I now have a bit of charity work to do this morning followed by a trip to Cape Town to register for Saturday. I feel far better having identified the cause for my low and hopefully will prevent it from visiting me again.

Have you ever wondered what it must be like to sit in a chair in an old age home watching but not seeing the TV all day, every day? Waiting to die?