Some believe that I have succumbed to misery, depression and self despair. This would be nothing more than a vicious rumour! I delight in the fact that my writing has evolved to a point where I am able to convey such a deep sense of emotion. Perhaps at long last I am becoming both a writer and human.

You see my life in the corporate world involved the continual hardening of my heart. The work equivalent to a diet of too much cholesterol. Hard decisions had to be made on a daily basis and in order to live with the outcomes, one had to separate self from the equation. The higher I progressed, the tougher the calls and the less I required any emotional thought. Slowly I scattered my emotions away in an unknown magic forest somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain. The daily change was subtle but looking back over my career, I had become a difficult hard man, where what I wanted was the focus of my life. Sadly, I used to think that this was a good thing!

This pilgrimage of mine has included an obscure benefit in that I seem to have found this magic forest and as I walk in its coolness and beauty, I discover riches strewn along the path. This is a fabulous journey as I clothe myself with these new emotions and feelings. I don’t understand them as they are garments that I have not spent a lot of time wearing. As such every time I put one on, I am astounded by the deepness and richness of their use. Having this time on my hands I am able to stand back and reflect on them and how I feel about them. Having reflected, I am able to decide if this is something I want to wear again or knowing that I have this item in my wardrobe, understanding how to take it off again.

Life sans emotions is a dull life. It is like living in an operating theatre where everything is orderly, sterile, and smells of antiseptic lotion. It is a life lived in the realm of black and white. Of logic and rational reasoning that trumps all else. Where the answer is clear and obvious and a definite set of rules governs every situation. I used to think that I was alive, that I was passionate, and that the mindset I had, helped me to fully appreciate life.

But I was wrong. It is only now that I have started to experience my emotions and feelings and tie them into every aspect of my life that I have started to truly live. For example, I used to want to do community work because I knew on some rational level that I had been given so much and I needed to give some back. Now, I rejoice in the fact that sometimes events move me to deep compassion and it is this compassion that motivates me to do something good. The doors and windows of my mind have been opened and there is a fresh breeze blowing through here.

So you see that although I may still be slightly mad, I am rediscovering myself bit by bit. Sometimes my finds are difficult and at other times uplifting. Either way, I hope that by understanding myself better, I will be able to devote myself to the betterment of the common good!