Scaredy Cat!

This notion of me being scared is a worrying one.

I am trying to work out why this particular trip to a dangerous militant area bothered me so much. Am I getting older and perhaps becoming more conservative? I hope not! Perhaps this was just an ill prepared trip with little or no contingency for things going wrong. Certainly this bothered me as the threat out there is very real. More than that, I have felt the naked aggression that almost rolls in waves off some people over here. My last couple of months have included lots of time deep in Africa in the heart of some very poor societies. Yet being white has not bothered me, until I found myself here in Nigeria.

Trust me, I spent the last couple of days wrestling with myself about going or not. In the end I was surprised to find out that I just did not want to go.

There was an element of risk to the trip. For me, the trip itself would have been absolutely fascinating. It would also have been a great bonding experience This is a pseudo conflict area rarely seen by anyone outside of army, oil, security, and the locals. My camera would have had to stay behind as that would have been tantamount to painting a target on my back. So all the risk and no wonderful photographs to showcase on my return! The only payoff, being able to say been there done that, was simply not worth the perceived risk.

Does this really mean that I am all soft and wimpy. Surely I could be killed in a car accident, or a freak plane crash, or by some mugger back home. Was this risk any greater than the stuff that we all face in daily life?

I wondered about the impact on my family. By taking unnecessary risks do I invite a major negative impact on all of their lives? I would imagine the family of kidnapping victims go through absolute hell, as days or weeks are spent in suspense as to your loved one’s well being. As for me being the kidnapping victim, that would be the chance I took and one of the outcomes I would have had to expect. By not taking any risks at all, surely I will simply morph into a boring lump. I suppose that there has to be a balance between the two. I do think though, that my life and the lives of my family are not chips with which I have any right to gamble.

I am about to for a walk to the local supermarket about one kilometre away. I am finding it hard to reconcile the fact that despite all of the advice to not take a step outside, I am going to go and do just that. Then again a man must eat!

Does any of this make me less wimpy or scared? Not really, but perhaps I have a better idea of the boundaries of what I am prepared to do, regardless of what others may think.

Anyhow – I made it back from a very enjoyable walk. And my contract manager made it home safely late yesterday afternoon, with a new list of very interesting experiences under his belt!!!