Surfing with my son

Saturday was another new experience in our family.

One of my good friends suggested that my oldest compete in a Boland surfing trial. Very simply there are three sets of trials for youngsters who have not competed at any level. At seven, Luke certainly fits into that category and was incredibly excited by the idea. And so it was that we found ourselves on the beach on Saturday morning.

I expected to arrive, watch Luke surf, and be off within an hour. I was a little wrong and so we were totally unprepared for an entire morning on the beach. There are not a lot of under 8 surfers and so it was no surprise that he was the only boy. It was a surprise that there was a little girl in the under 8 category.

This little girl was pretty amazing. She was tiny with shoulder length blond hair and full of energy. I watched in amazement as she picked up her dad’s longboard, which was easily four times her size, and carry it to down to the sea. In the sea she would catch the tiniest of waves with no effort, stand up on the board, raise her arms in the air, and scream in delight. Right up until she daintily stepped off the board onto the sand. Certainly not surfing in the sense I understand but her style had appeal!

This was Luke’s first competition and so there was a whole heap of technical information that he had to digest; including the wearing of a competition vest, understanding the way a heat worked, surfing to the timing flags, and actually surfing for a panel of judges.

He paddled into the sea as his heat got underway. He caught two short waves and started doing a little of his thing. He then got washed into a section of sea where the waves were small and at all angles. He could not catch a single thing and got more and more frustrated. When the heat ended, he was in tears. He was incredibly disappointed that he had not been able to show his best. More than that, he believed that he had been beaten by a girl on a long board!

My heart went out to him as he was absolutely distraught. At school, he is part of an incredibly competitive group of friends and I suspect that the surfing was his way to prove himself. I gave the guy a big wet hug. We were then told that he still had to surf another heat. Personally I was disappointed as I was looking forward to going out surfing myself. He was over the moon, he had just been given another chance. We were also informed that in his age group, I was allowed to go into the sea with him and position him in the waves.

We took a chocolate break. Then he grabbed me by the hand and said, “dad, I want to go practise”. So back out to sea we went and I got him in position for a wave. He caught it and worked it all the way to the shore. The lights were back on in his eyes and we agreed that just that wave would have been a competition winner. Then he went out and caught a whole lot more.

I got him out of the sea in time for a ten minute rest and then we were back out there. This time he was ready to prove himself. I got him in position again, told him to ride it like his competition winner, and he was off. Boy, did he work his magic on that wave and the next four that came his way.

All I can say is that this was one of the most wonderful father son moments that I have probably ever experienced. It was real bonding time out there in the sea. Man, I am proud of the little guy! There were no results as this was a trial, but really results were completely irrelevant!

I read a book a little while ago that contained a beautiful definition of humility. As far as I can remember it defined it as the absence of the need to compare and compete. I thought that this was pretty neat!

I have tried to apply it in my own life with great difficulty. My only conclusion is that true humility is indeed rare to find. I like to compete; I like to be better than other people. If I am not better, I find some great excuse as to why I should be better. I like win even more than I like competing. Winning is fun. It is filled with glory and satisfaction.

I even enjoy watching my sons winning. Watching my oldest play sport has certainly brought home the fact that we train our children from the youngest possible age to compete. Throughout school we ensure that our children compete against each other academically, then on the school sports field and if we are really eager, in some extra mural activities. And once our kids leave school, they will need to compete for place in a tertiary education institution and then for a job. Once they have a job they will compete for better jobs and projects. But that is never enough and so to show how well they compete they will aspire to better houses and fancier cars and slick toys.

I suppose, just like most of us!

And if we are to be truly human we need to be humble. To be moved to compassion by the plight of the common man and actually do something about it. Humility must be the complete antitheses of this individualistic and ego driven lifestyle that is the norm today. It does not seem to have a place in our world today.

Imagine if you and I were just people and both of us thought that the others needs were more important than our own. What an interesting place the world might be?

I spent the afternoon on Friday watching a championship gala at my son’s school. Kids gave it their all from six year olds to the grade sevens. It was interesting to watch the passion, the energy and the camaraderie. Other than that I was rather bored. What was more interesting was the parochial support provided by parents. Obviously parents shouted for their own children but they also shouted for other children that they knew. The parents got really excited and certainly seemed to share the frustrations and joys of their offspring. I was unsure who to shout for. Not knowing any of the children older than six, that left me in a bit of a quandary. What on earth do you use as your logic to decide which child will get your support over others? Or should I be supporting the underdogs? Big questions for a Friday!

One thing that struck home is that this is all very great preparation for the big world out there. There can be only one winner. Second may as well be last, etc. The world, starting in school, makes very definite distinctions as to who is better and who not. The distinctions are based on competitions that vary from swimming to spelling. In the big world these distinctions are most important as they define who will be successful and who not.

For the children that win, I suppose it is easy to see that we are teaching them all the benefits of competing. If you win, you get a trophy, you get wonderful recognition and you learn that this makes you feel very good about yourself. These are all wonderful attributes for cowing our children into the model that makes business work in society. In other words, they fit right in and are only too happy to be climbing the corporate ladder.

For the rest, I suppose that they know they have to work harder in order to be the best. They will need to refocus their efforts and try again. For most of them winning will still remain the primary objective. They too will fit into the corporate model beautifully, except they will know what it feels like to put in the work and be sidelined without any of the glory.

From a religious point of view, we know that in order to inherit the Kingdom of God, we need to be like children. In a book called Jesus Today, by Albert Nolan, it is stated that in order to be like a child, the qualities that we require are humility, childlike trust in God, a sense of wonder, playfulness and joy! That makes perfect sense to me and yet I wondered if I as a parent encourage these attributes or try to get my children to grow out of them.

Humility is a difficult character trait to teach, if not impossible. It is more a state of being when we know we don’t need to compete or compare ourselves to others as those comparisons are irrelevant. Yet the school and I encourage my children to win at every opportunity and to be the best (not necessarily their best). A childlike sense of trust in God is exceedingly difficult to encourage as it certainly seems like it does not have a place in the world today. Individualism is the way of the world, it is all about me and how great I am. Encouraging a sense of wonder, playfulness and joy is the easy part although this also takes some effort.

I suppose the bigger question is do we want our children to succeed in the world as we know it or do we want them to grow up with a deep love of God? The two don’t seem to be exactly in tune with each other....

On the other hand is it important for all of us to ‘grow up’ and compete in the world and later relearn the key qualities of a child in order to build and strengthen our relationship with God?

Is there a way that I can provide my children with both?