Talking Heads

I spent a couple of days in Johannesburg last week. Dry and dusty days, filled with the smell of burnt veld. I got to share two very special dinners with friends and family. Blessed food unifying us all!

It is a wonderful privilege to be able to travel across the country and arrive in somebody else’s home as an extra member of the family. To join in their prayers, laughs, stories, fears, and deep bonds of love. Rejuvenating, inspiring, and a clear message that my family is in many ways like any other! For the rest my family is just a little wacky...

Then to be able to spend some time with an uncle and aunt was another gift beyond measure. To share a life happening apart and remember a life lived long ago. Memories filled with love and laughter.

Conversations like these make life full, deep, and meaningful. Yet most of us live life at a pace that fails to facilitate these kinds of conversations, instead relegating communication to quick catch ups of the most superficial kind.   

It really is deeply satisfying to take life slowly and probe the depths of each other’s souls once in a while!

How long is long enough?

Five people we know have died over the last two weeks.

Sadly it was Swine flu for a school friend of Donna’s, a car accident for a church friend, cancer for another church friend, and two unknown old age issues. One of the old timers lived with his wife and three daughters in a shack. His new house was to be finished on Friday. He gave up on the Thursday, having lasted just long enough to see a better life for his family.

One cannot help but think a little...

The last two days had me in Durban presenting a customer service course to management of my old company. It was wonderfully nostalgic to catch up with old colleagues, listen to their stories, and immerse myself in their culture. A voyeur of sorts as to how my life could have been, had I stayed!

The woman who contracted me to deliver this piece of work spent those days with me. Last night over a wonderful lasagne our conversation went deep, religious, and surreal. Hidden treasures bubbled to the surface, a stark reminder of the soulfulness of each one of us. Her stories convinced me beyond doubt of the rightness of my path.

The airport lounge made for a chance meeting with a Judo comrade. We live a block apart on the other side of the country. We shared our corporate stories about the destruction of souls, values shattered on the ladder of success, and morals traded for flashy cars. Our lives  share many common threads, but our conversation was cut short by the pesky boarding of my plane.

Whilst winging my way home, I vacuumed up a gift from a clever neighbour called ‘The Last Lecture’. Knowing he only had four months to live, Randy Pausch wrote this book as a final gift of himself to his children. Randy weaves life lessons into his life stories, overshadowed by his imminent death. I blinked back tears as his candid wisdom struck home.

Two of those we knew had no time to prepare, one had as much time as Randy, and the last two souls had ages. I cannot help wondering if I am ready to go. Have I done what I was meant to do? Have I loved with all of my heart? Has my life been a celebration of God’s glory?

And if I have some time left, will I use it to make a difference or continue to live life with careless abandon?

Brand new & barking mad

Yesterday started off with the birth of a baby daughter to friends of ours. There is something so special about a new born baby, the innocence and unknown potential, all wrapped up in this tiny helpless package. Two very proud and happy parents smiled at us when we went to visit.


It ended with a visit to a new friend of mine whose life is in absolute turmoil. Yesterday he committed his wife to a mental asylum. One cannot begin to imagine the path that he has travelled over the last two years. A path that began with his wife falling off a horse and injuring her head, and ending for now with a process to lock her up for the rest of her life.

Besides being traumatic for all involved, the mental process is rather final. It starts with a trip to the police station, followed by two officers being dispatched to pick up the ‘problem’ person. A 72 hour observation period in the local government psychiatric ward ensues. If the doctors feel the complaint is warranted, they will then commit the person to the local government psychiatric institution, forever. The only person who can get her out again is the person who put her there and only through an appeal to the Supreme Court.

Imagine having to weigh up your promise to love someone through sickness and health, with the need to commit them to an institution for the rest of their lives for their own good. A kind of Morton’s Fork if you will; a choice leading to the same undesirable outcome; in that everyone is unhappy.

My heart goes out to this man and his family and to our friends and their newborn. There can be no doubt that this life we lead is incredibly fragile and tenuous, and we need all the help that we can get!

The lives of Flies

I woke up this morning to the sound of a fly. A high pitched dentists drill that reverberated within my skill. Annoyed, frustrated, and irritated! But the fly did not seem to care. Careening all over our room in pointless orbits. Brief rest stops on Donna and I seemed to be part of its enjoyment. Donna disappeared under the duvet and I ground my teeth.


What do you do with a fly so early in the morning? With buzzing in my ears, I sat up, tears not far away. Moments later, it alighted on my knee. And its life ended abruptly as my hands smashed together just above the space where it once sat.

I snuggled back into my duvet and could not help wondering about the life of a fly. It seems rather pointless, flying around with careless abandon, annoying all the other creatures it comes into contact with, and then the stupid thing dies. The flies perspective is equally pointless, it just does what it does, looks for bad smells, lays some eggs, and considers life as a job well done.

Instead of me drifting off to sleep, I got to thinking about my life and how similar it is to that fly. Rushing from one thing to the next. Not really adding the real kind of value that could be added all of the time. Annoying and frustrating people along the way; even though that is not the intention at all.

And then one day, while I am contemplating my navel, it will all end rather suddenly.

Like the fly, my life may be seen as heaps of bluster and noise, even a good riddance!

I wonder if it will all have been worthwhile.

Poverty of Spirit

The book I am reading has had me in tears from all of the laughter, much to my wife’s amusement! It is titled, ‘Around Africa on my bicycle’ and is written by the hero of the story, Riaan Manser. Riaan is the mad chap who pedalled around our small continent a couple of years ago, a mere 36,000 kilometres.

Having spent a fair bit of time working in Africa over the last 18 months, I have a different appreciation for Africa and its people. That might be why I have found his commentary so amusing. It might also be that he has written a thoroughly humorous book!

One of his insights really struck me. He writes about the many people that he met along the way, most of whom were very poor. Yet he found them to be full of joy and incredibly generous with the little that they had. He wondered if most people who are well off have the joy of their material possessions but have perhaps lost the joy of life and the spirit of humanity that makes life wonderful.

I think it is entirely plausible that the wealthy have too much invested in wealth to risk losing it all to find true happiness and joy. Wealth continually breeds the need for more wealth, at the expense of everything else! The same is true of those with nothing who have much invested in their joy of life to risk losing it to find wealth. Although the opportunities to make the change are probably limited! Each side has something wonderful and yet it seems that finding the happy medium is incredibly difficult.

Is it possible that poverty can refer not only to material things but also to one's spirit?

Perhaps if you have managed to build a life that if filled with love, joy, complete peace of mind, and just enough to survive on; you have found the elusive Holy Grail?

To my dear little girl

To my dear darling Isabella,


Yesterday morning you exploded into being in the form of a tiny pink baby. So small, wrinkled, and helpless! I was humbled by the notion that God chose your mom and I to be your parents. To love you, care for you, and possibly even sacrifice our lives for you. I so look forward to getting to know you better, to guiding you as you grow, to hugging you when you are sad, and to helping you explore all that you are.

I could not help but think of the life that lies before the feet you don’t even know that you have. A life wide open with possibilities just waiting to be explored. The choices you will make will either lead you to fulfilment, a mundane existence, or a life of destruction. I hope that I have the strength and wisdom to prepare you for those choices. I pray for the humility and courage to share my life with you and show you a better way to live.

Through all of the arguments we will have, through the failure you will see in me, and through those times when life just does not seem fair, know that through it all, I have loved you from the start. I will always try and give you the best of me, but in those times when it isn’t so, I hope you will forgive me, smile on me, and reach out to me again.

There is a long road ahead of us. I hope that it is filled with much excitement, laughter, and joy. It is only fair to warn you that it will also be filled with disappointments, tears, and loss. Yes, there will be bad times but they will be much easier to bear if we face them together as a family.

Your life, like mine, will be full of its own twists and turns. At times life will flow and at others become incredibly complex. Regardless, I will be there for you whenever you need me!

Remember always that you are special because you are you. That in your uniqueness you have something valuable to offer the world, the gift of you! Cherish life, learn something new each day, challenge those around you, brighten the world with your smile, and love fiercely!

All my love, dad.

Love & Providence

Beware, this is deep!

I am struggling with a couple of concepts. The first is that when life is spent serving others with love, it is filled with an inner peace and joy that far surpasses that gained by any other means. Seems to be simple enough and surely everyone has experienced this at some or other point in their lives, but how on earth does one centre one’s life on this principle?

I have long been a student of business; thinking big and out of the box. Taking a concept and blowing away the world with it! How wonderful the financial rewards, the adulation, and heaps of respect from one’s peers! Yet if I am to centre my life on serving others, I would no longer be the hero but rather a support player. In fact, if I am to serve with love, the most important aspect of every interaction is the outpouring of my love for the other person. The rest is meaningless...

Another concept is based on Mother Theresa. MT founded and ran the Missionaries of Charity on the firm belief that God would provide. She went so far as to stipulate that none of her sisters would be involved in any form of fund raising. Incredible for an organisation that ran over 300 houses in 5 of the continents with more than 2400 women in the early 80’s, all focussed on loving the poorest of the poor. So how does one go about trusting God to look after one’s well being? How does one even begin to think like this when one must support a family?

I assume it is all possible; living a life of service, an outpouring of love, under God’s providence. But taking that first step...

Committment

I entered the church of my childhood with trepidation. Today was a special day and I was quite unprepared for what was about to happen. A good friend of mine was to be ordained as a priest, the culmination of a long journey. The sacristy of this very church had been where I met Justin for the first time, a mere 26 years ago! My mother had been a sacristan, which meant that she occasionally prepared the church for mass during the week. On those occasions, I invariably got dragged along for an extra hour of church torture. To my utter amazement, on one of those visits, I found Justin, a ten year old boy happily preparing to serve as an altar boy because he wanted to be there!

Fast forward to today and he was about to make a lifelong commitment to God.

I saw one of my old school mates waving madly to me and so my wife and I made our way over and sat with his family. We were early but the church was already packed, and this is no small church. Sitting in that pew, I was assaulted by memories long forgotten. Of countless hours spent on that same altar as an altar boy. Of banding together with two of my close friends, one of whom sat next to me, to join the choir and attempt to make a difference to the singing. Yeah me singing, I had the volume, sometimes, I even had the tune! And then time spent starting and running a youth group in the parish. It had been a long and wonderful association.

The service was incredible, fascinating, beautiful, and full of symbolism. More than 20 priests were in attendance as well as the Arch Bishop. Much of the singing was in Latin, hauntingly beautiful, sung by three choirs, all adding a special flavour to this day. At a point in the service, Justin lay down in the church, prostrate before God. Later the Arch Bishop tied his hands together as a symbol of Justin’s obedience to him. At many times in the service I had to close my eyes and blink back tears. I was not the only one!

A barely noticed two hours later, Justin emerged a priest. Smiling broadly, reflecting a deep inner happiness! And only now will his journey begin!

This event was the emotional pinnacle of my life. It feels funny to write that when I think of the momentous occasions of my own life; including my own marriage and the birth of my children. Yet, I do believe that I have grown as a person over the last 20 months on my own journey. At long last starting to shake the cold calculating persona I had so carefully created. Mixed together with the time I have spent watching my good friend struggle with his call to God. I feel so privileged to have shared a part of his suffering on the road that led here. To see him emerge on the other side, made me feel radiant and alive, bursting with pride.

Challenged to do more!

Justin, my friend, my prayers and thoughts are with you. Live a life filled with love!

New experiences

Standing on a tiled step while surveying the panoramic vista of Juba and the countryside around it, I realise that I am incredibly blessed. A contractor from India pops his head out of the canteen and tells me his concoction will be ready in five minutes.

I sigh with pleasure as I have just finished a massive dinner and this is an unexpected surprise. I had been warned to avoid the Indian’s dinner at all cost due to its fiery nature, but warnings to me about hot food are wasted breath. How can I refuse the offer of one so friendly, and only too keen to share his own home cooked in a canteen dinner with this complete stranger. He smiles as he admits that his mother would throw his cooking in the bin but then again hers would be pretty mild!

Rain lashes Juba with a vengeance, lightning arcs across the sky, and thunder gives voice to some heavenly displeasure. The sky’s ethereal purple glow serves as a beautiful backdrop to this violent display. Water runs along the ground in great sheets and disappears into the darkness.

I miss my wife and children. I miss my friends and family. My surfboard seems so far away as do the rolling frolicking wet beasts I am so challenged to surf. And yet, I am so blessed to be able to experience something as awe inspiring as a tropical thunderstorm in a remote part of the world and share a brilliant fire and chicken dish with a complete stranger.

Life is not about what I have! Instead it is in times when I truly grasp my insignificance that I feel most alive!

Life of the Unborn

I read an article this weekend about a woman by the name of Pam Stenzel. She is an American motivational speaker who deals with teenage sexuality, and has been giving talks to South African youths.

She was quoted as saying that she is eternally grateful to her 15 year old mother, who after being raped, still loved her enough to have her and then put her up for adoption.

Her simple statement of fact gave me goose bumps. How many other people have never been, because they were aborted before they even had a chance? Surely her mother of all people had the right to terminate a pregnancy disgustingly created by hate. And yet, the product of that hate is a voice of love...

I find that absolutely incredible. Don’t all lives deserve a chance? Or does looking at the miracle of life from the point of the new life skew the debate?

Life Again

I went to church yesterday, to the cathedral in Accra. The Mass was a little different to that which I am used to, but no harm in experiencing the faith of others in a most lively way. I have heard the statistic that Ghana is greater than 90% Christian. On Sunday’s, you will find them all in church. There had to be at least a 1000 people in the church that I attended, and that was only the first service of the day!

I was then picked up by the cabbie who had dropped me off earlier. The starter motor of his car required a bit of thump with a heavy metal object before it would work. Then we off, with a horrible grinding noise from the left front wheel. As we jerked around the place, the taxi driver told me about a woman passenger he had just dropped me off. As she was paying him, a man leant through his window and stole his cell phone. For a guy who had been driving his taxi for the last 31 years, this was a pretty big injustice.

It was hard to know what to feel. Here was a guy trying his best to earn an honest living, which was probably not very much. His taxi was slowly falling apart around his ears and then the little he had was taken away by some punk. I would have been a little mad. I would probably have lost control and yelled and screamed and then kicked some stuff and punched some other things. This guy just calmly accepted that this was life and today was just not a good day. And that was just the start of his 24 hour shift....

Then a mate picked me up and took me sailing on the Volta River just outside the village of Ada. The sailing club was having a race day and I ended up crewing for one of the members. The three races were loads of fun and boy did I learn a lot. There is a sincere beauty in the ability of a sailor and his craft to take the force of the wind and put it to work. Sometimes going with the flow and at others using this same force to turn back on itself.

I suppose life is a lot like that...

Time to Think

It was a pretty long question and went something like this:

“OK, so you gave up your career, your job, your income in order to find a life that you are passionate about. Effectively you have made massive changes in your life in order to add what you feel is real value to the world. When you sacrificed all that stuff, you thought you were going to gain a heap of other stuff. Was the sacrifice that you made really a sacrifice and did you gain what you thought you were going to gain from this change in life direction?”

I suppose the shorter version of the question is; did it work out the way you expected and what now?

To add additional fuel to the fire, my wife and I went out to a dinner party last night. The dinner party was heaps of fun but one of the guys I knew introduced me to a guy I did not know in a way that bothered me immensely. He said, this is Mark, who left corporate life to find a better way and is now back at it working harder than ever.

Oops – perhaps the time has come to do more thinking. Have I really made this incredibly difficult decision to give up everything that is regarded as normal, so as to live the life I always wanted to live, only to end up back where I started?

I now have my very own thinking project. Strangely it excites me that eight months down the line I am in a position to re-evaluate my life and my decisions. Do I continue going with the flow or do I make some more changes to ensure that I am able to add the value to the world that I want to add? Am I on a short term diversion with great long term prospects for my value plan or is it just a diversion? Do I still want what I wanted? What has been good and what not? Did I sacrifice anything or did I just ditch the bad stuff in my life? Where to from here?

Time for me to think and grow and plan and change!

Man, life is exciting! Stick with me as I try and answer some of these questions.

My life journey has become even more interesting of late. Suddenly it has become a time of serious challenge to some of my tightly held thoughts and ideals. My last 6 months have been spent trying to better understand myself. In that time I have written about a better life on the other side of wealth, power, and prestige. I now know with certainty that the life I aspire to is one filled with family and charity and lived in harmony with my values.

And then I was offered this contract to do some consulting work in Africa.....

For most people, this would be a time of great celebration. I mean a consulting contract for two projects handed to you on a silver platter has to be the rarest of windfalls? Or is it?

I have enjoyed my time with my family. I have thoroughly enjoyed the philanthropic side of my life. And I most certainly have enjoyed my photography and surfing time. Now I need to give it all up in order to earn that distasteful thing called money. I suppose that it does not have to be distasteful. Perhaps I am still smarting from my own corporate experiences which have left this permanent bad taste in my mouth. Sure I need to give up a lot of wonderful things but there are things to be gained, like the start of a new business venture, and a major challenge to my abilities (something that I thrive on). Oh and of course they will pay me too, which could possibly support my interesting lifestyle for a while.

Of course the timing is all wrong! My book is now two thirds complete and I would really like to have finished it before moving onto this business of making enough money to support my family. My initial thinking was that I would do whatever it took to just bring in enough for our family to survive without compromising our time together and the value I can add as a father and as a husband. I suppose that thinking was pretty romantic, instead I have been presented with a different opportunity to embrace. I will need to make some sacrifices but there are many benefits too. More than that, this contract has been structured in such a way that I will be spending plenty of my time working from home. Could I get it any better?

I should be ecstatic. This is possibly the start of my own management consultancy. Yet, sitting in a corporate jet last week, winging my way into Africa and eating one of the best fillet steaks I have ever eaten for breakfast, I had a realisation. Managing my desire for wealth, power and prestige was going to be incredibly hard when once again submerged into this working world. This is something that makes me very uncomfortable as it is everything I left behind for the better and simpler life I am now living.

A friend in whom I confided my misgivings gave me some interesting advice. He said that I had been blessed with six months in which to understand the depths of my need for the things that I know are destructive. He went on to suggest that perhaps I was now being given another chance to jump back into the lions den and do it better this time. Not only that, to also influence those still in the den whose pursuit for money, power, and prestige has corrupted their lives.

And so my wife and I opened the doors to our new consultancy last week Tuesday. A whole new life has begun, one filled with new and old doors. Some to be opened and some to be bolted shut! I hope and pray that I can avoid the mistakes I made in the past and find that elusive life that will allow me to be a force for good in this world! I look forward to keeping you up to date on how it all turns out.

My post today is a little different. I took some pictures of things around my house, trying to see them from a different perspective.

Amazing what you find inside herb oil - looks like stuff dumped in the sea next to a harbour. Someone probably ate the old tyre, there are always old tyres in the sea next to harbours!

They go up and they go down. Usually up when you want down and down when you want up. They come in sexy colours like this one in tartan. Very useful in the rain except if the rain is accompanied by wind, alas no good in Cape Town!

Last round anyone, even if it is 40 year old miniture Cokes?

Yes, some folks still use the good old spagetti mop. Us too it would seem....


Steven Covey talks about sharpening the saw. I think he meant continuous improvement of your own skill set. My saw is looking like it needs to retire!

This is the sharp end of my axe. Not quite in a state to chop off a leg if it got in the way but useful nonetheless!

I have been looking for the key to life. Even this one does not seem to fit! Perhaps there is not just one key, there are many! I am about to embark on a new venture within my great adventure. It may hold one of the keys that I have been looking for or it may just be an interesting diversion.

It is a great gift to be a surfer and be able to read the ocean in such a way that you know which waves will work and which not. Most of us just guess. Surfers have a great saying similar to nothing ventured, nothing gained. We say; if you don't go, you wont know!

I need to go to know if this key is right!

I had a comment from the Divine Miss M on my last post. Check it out if you like. She wondered if living each day as your last would not add an element of stress. I think it does, but I would add that the benefits of this mindset are soul refreshing! I have a feeling that this is what living in the now is really about.

I am no expert of the matter, but I thought that I would include my approach.

I have started to spend a bit of time each morning reflecting on yesterday. I certainly am not doing it to dwell in the past, as yesterday is gone. I am really trying to appraise the life that I lived yesterday. What went well and why? How did I interact with my kids? How could I have done things differently? And so on. The answers to these questions are things I can use in my day today. Things that I feel did not go so well yesterday, I can correct today. If there are things that were not said, I can do these today. If there were things undone, I can do these today too. The chances I missed yesterday, I can try and grasp today. The things that went very well, I can repeat today!

The other questions I am trying to ask myself are ‘what should I be doing today to improve the lives of others?’ and ‘Do people feel that they are loved by me when they experience me?’ Not easy questions to answer at all on a daily basis. On a very simple level, I know that there are people that I should call and see. I also know that the way I live should be courageously aligned to my values. I hope that by taking this time to think, I will find those small acts of love to perform that are carefully hidden in the clutter and rush that is our lives.

Quoting Robin Sharma again, he says that ‘ultimate nobility is being better than your former self’. What he means is that life is not a competition with anyone at all. Instead, our challenge is to ensure that we are constantly improving ourselves. I hope that armed with the knowledge of how I can improve on yesterday as well as the answer to those more difficult questions I will be able to live a better, more valuable and loving day today.

And if I do die today, hopefully I will have touched your life in some meaningful way first!

Have you ever wondered about Eastern philosophies of living? Is there an essence that we miss in our own lives and our society? Movies portray the heroes from the East as being these serene individuals with the most amazing power over their minds. They always seem so connected due to their absolute control and deep insight into life. The good guys often need wise advice from Eastern sages as well as a cup of herbal tea in order to regroup and defeat their enemies.

There are of course elements of Eastern culture that have become a part of the West like yoga and meditation techniques, Kung Fu and toys with lead paint. I have always wondered if there is something more that I am missing. Are there pearls of wisdom that I am sorely lacking that could possibly add vast dimensions to my life? Like most things, I had no idea where to start looking for this answer and so in true style I have put it out of my mind.

Luckily, I read a book last week, twice. It wasn’t that the book was so good but rather that it was filled with Eastern based practical insight to life. You may have well have heard about this book called ‘The Monk who sold his Ferrari’ by Robin Sharma. It really is a take on how to control ones life by using some simple techniques. This is by no means a religious book but my view is that all of this stuff can beautifully complement your beliefs.

For me, it was interesting to see a whole bunch of mostly familiar concepts presented in a compelling and comprehensive manner. If you want an insight into some solid Eastern philosphy full of good common sense, this book is a great introduction. Who knows, perhaps I will dissect it right here on this blog in time to come!

One of the key techniques that was presented involves time spent in meditation and reflection. This rocked my world!

An irony of my life is that I have all of this time and yet have spent less time in reflection than when I worked a full day job. Sadder still is that this is my year to determine where I am going and to set myself up for the rest of my life. Kind of sobering when you stand back and look at yourself and see the thing that you should be spending most of your time on, is the one thing that you have abandoned.

So I started last week to set aside some me time in the morning before anyone was awake. My time to reflect and pray. I have been rewarded with a clarity of purpose, a relaxed demeanour and the ability to deal with my children on a different level. As a bonus, I was there for three sunrises and one really spectacular sunrise. These is no doubt that these changes are hard to implement and maintain but they are worth it!

Now I just have to find a bad Chinese movie to star in, although there is no way that I am drinking herbal tea!!

Some believe that I have succumbed to misery, depression and self despair. This would be nothing more than a vicious rumour! I delight in the fact that my writing has evolved to a point where I am able to convey such a deep sense of emotion. Perhaps at long last I am becoming both a writer and human.

You see my life in the corporate world involved the continual hardening of my heart. The work equivalent to a diet of too much cholesterol. Hard decisions had to be made on a daily basis and in order to live with the outcomes, one had to separate self from the equation. The higher I progressed, the tougher the calls and the less I required any emotional thought. Slowly I scattered my emotions away in an unknown magic forest somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain. The daily change was subtle but looking back over my career, I had become a difficult hard man, where what I wanted was the focus of my life. Sadly, I used to think that this was a good thing!

This pilgrimage of mine has included an obscure benefit in that I seem to have found this magic forest and as I walk in its coolness and beauty, I discover riches strewn along the path. This is a fabulous journey as I clothe myself with these new emotions and feelings. I don’t understand them as they are garments that I have not spent a lot of time wearing. As such every time I put one on, I am astounded by the deepness and richness of their use. Having this time on my hands I am able to stand back and reflect on them and how I feel about them. Having reflected, I am able to decide if this is something I want to wear again or knowing that I have this item in my wardrobe, understanding how to take it off again.

Life sans emotions is a dull life. It is like living in an operating theatre where everything is orderly, sterile, and smells of antiseptic lotion. It is a life lived in the realm of black and white. Of logic and rational reasoning that trumps all else. Where the answer is clear and obvious and a definite set of rules governs every situation. I used to think that I was alive, that I was passionate, and that the mindset I had, helped me to fully appreciate life.

But I was wrong. It is only now that I have started to experience my emotions and feelings and tie them into every aspect of my life that I have started to truly live. For example, I used to want to do community work because I knew on some rational level that I had been given so much and I needed to give some back. Now, I rejoice in the fact that sometimes events move me to deep compassion and it is this compassion that motivates me to do something good. The doors and windows of my mind have been opened and there is a fresh breeze blowing through here.

So you see that although I may still be slightly mad, I am rediscovering myself bit by bit. Sometimes my finds are difficult and at other times uplifting. Either way, I hope that by understanding myself better, I will be able to devote myself to the betterment of the common good!

You have no idea how much a normal job adds to definition in your life. It is massive. I was recently asked and then submitted a tender to do a piece of work for a company. It really is a wonderful and exciting project and I am more than qualified to do it. I got excited by the prospect of doing a little consulting on the side. Unfortunately, it looks like I will not get this piece of work and that is just the way it is. I am massively disappointed, funny that!

For me, I can decide to learn from the experience or I can decide to crawl into a hole and feel sorry for myself. I don’t like option B and so I need to learn something, fast!

I suppose that there are lessons to be learnt. I should be learning some serious humility, and I am. I am also learning to deal with disappointment. I suppose that I have not had too much failure in my life and so it is about time that I do learn the lessons that it has to offer. I clearly remember one of the first major disappointments in my life, not passing my drivers license first time around. For some or other reason, this cocky self assured little youngster decided that he did not need all of the allowed space to complete the three point turn. Duh, did not make it and was in a state of mild shock when told that he had failed. Many years and many disappointments later and I find that I have not yet worked out how to deal with it.

So my BIG learning is that perhaps there is a bigger plan out there for me. I have yet to see out my year off and already I am looking to sell off blocks of my time. Perhaps there are bigger lessons and bigger opportunities out there for me. Faith that God has a plan for me is really my saving grace, and this realisation has given me some peace of mind.

Time seems to make all of the hurt of failure fade away. How many times have you looked back on your life to times of immense disappointment and actually been glad at how things turned out in the end? I am positive we have all had this experience, so I intend to take it all in my stride and run with it!

Anyway, this was another of those nothing ventured, nothing gained kinds of experiences. Not getting the work really does not make a big difference to my plan although it would have been fun, full of learning and a great experience. So, I committed emotionally, I sold a small amount of my time and I did not get what I wanted. I will survive and I will try again!

My wife tells me I am supposed to be writing a book and that I should get on with it. Point taken!!!