For the Love of our Children

If you are a parent and would like to take a tortuous ride through the eyes of another parent (sounds like fun), read ‘Beautiful Boy’ by David Sheff. It is his account of his son’s experimentation and addiction to drugs, and their descent into hell! To make matters worse, Nic’s drug of choice was Chrystal Meth, a terribly addictive and highly damaging drug. I imagine that in South Africa, we know the drug as TIK, a massive problem in the Western Cape.

The book is a tough read, as one follows the emotional journey of David, as he tries vainly to save his son. At every turn, he is beaten by the allure of drugs. Every single shred of hope that he feels, as he continually lowers his expectations is thoroughly shattered and replaced with tougher problems and more uncertainty. He eventually realises a couple of key things; Nic is responsible for the decisions he makes, even though he is under the spell of these substances; and that as a parent, David’s happiness is not dependent on the happiness of his son. The other thing is that a parents love is absolutely boundless and that no matter what, he will be there for his son regardless of the certainty that Nic would regress again. I could not help having heaps of respect!

I have two sons and for me this book was a powerful and disturbing read. Essentially I know that I have no control over the friends that my children will make or the influence these friends will have over my children, for good or bad. I think back to my youth when what my parents thought was irrelevant to me. Now I know better, but then, I ruled my world! In years to come, my children will probably also find my views and opinions to be meaningless. That scares me heaps!

There are some things that I can do. I can spend as much time with my children as possible, developing a meaningful father son relationship, and openly talking about the issues of life. Hopefully this will ensure that they have a set of values and morals that will enable them to make better choices in life. I can also live my life in a way that provides a great example to them, the do as I do approach. Lastly, I can ensure that they develop a relationship with a mentor, somebody we all admire and trust, to whom they can turn when they feel they cannot talk to their parents. In the end, nothing I do as a parent is going to guarantee that their decisions are good or bad. I can however ensure that I am the best possible parent to my boys and hence give them the best possible chance of creating their own version of success in this life. After that, they will need to choose!

I have realised that my hopes for my sons are simply that they find happiness in life and that they become forces for good in this world, no matter what form that may take.

Our journey has begun. I am firmly strapped in, optimistic rather than ready for the ride of my life!

Some believe that I have succumbed to misery, depression and self despair. This would be nothing more than a vicious rumour! I delight in the fact that my writing has evolved to a point where I am able to convey such a deep sense of emotion. Perhaps at long last I am becoming both a writer and human.

You see my life in the corporate world involved the continual hardening of my heart. The work equivalent to a diet of too much cholesterol. Hard decisions had to be made on a daily basis and in order to live with the outcomes, one had to separate self from the equation. The higher I progressed, the tougher the calls and the less I required any emotional thought. Slowly I scattered my emotions away in an unknown magic forest somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain. The daily change was subtle but looking back over my career, I had become a difficult hard man, where what I wanted was the focus of my life. Sadly, I used to think that this was a good thing!

This pilgrimage of mine has included an obscure benefit in that I seem to have found this magic forest and as I walk in its coolness and beauty, I discover riches strewn along the path. This is a fabulous journey as I clothe myself with these new emotions and feelings. I don’t understand them as they are garments that I have not spent a lot of time wearing. As such every time I put one on, I am astounded by the deepness and richness of their use. Having this time on my hands I am able to stand back and reflect on them and how I feel about them. Having reflected, I am able to decide if this is something I want to wear again or knowing that I have this item in my wardrobe, understanding how to take it off again.

Life sans emotions is a dull life. It is like living in an operating theatre where everything is orderly, sterile, and smells of antiseptic lotion. It is a life lived in the realm of black and white. Of logic and rational reasoning that trumps all else. Where the answer is clear and obvious and a definite set of rules governs every situation. I used to think that I was alive, that I was passionate, and that the mindset I had, helped me to fully appreciate life.

But I was wrong. It is only now that I have started to experience my emotions and feelings and tie them into every aspect of my life that I have started to truly live. For example, I used to want to do community work because I knew on some rational level that I had been given so much and I needed to give some back. Now, I rejoice in the fact that sometimes events move me to deep compassion and it is this compassion that motivates me to do something good. The doors and windows of my mind have been opened and there is a fresh breeze blowing through here.

So you see that although I may still be slightly mad, I am rediscovering myself bit by bit. Sometimes my finds are difficult and at other times uplifting. Either way, I hope that by understanding myself better, I will be able to devote myself to the betterment of the common good!

There is a war going on in my head. The different factions are all doing what they can to gain the upper hand. The fighting is intense and seems to be heating up, big time.

One side is pretty devious, they are all for materialism and wealth. They want me to go out there and get more and more and more. Just today I saw a house on the beach that looked awesome. I got the number and called. The house was tiny, a wooden beach hut, just up from the beach. The asking price was a paltry R3.2 million. Funny enough, this warring faction got into gear and started scheming ways to produce a little less than the asking price. With thoughts of being next to the beach, walking to a surf break and sleeping to the sound of crashing waves, these soldiers seemed to be getting the upper hand.

Another of the factions is in a little disarray. This faction is all for improvement of society and the upliftment of the poor. They really want me to devote my life to the ideal of working for the common good. Sure they have made a little headway in a couple of areas. But the headway seems to be starts and follow through has been lacking to date. I started my blog to rant about society and have ended up with a blog that seems to be a place of semi motivation and some schizophrenic mental ramblings. I suppose that is what a blog is all about, letting you into a window of my world, mad or not! On the book front, things have ground to a complete halt, as my intense inspiration vanished into thin air. That’s actually not true, after the inspiration dried up I continued to write some wonderful drivel. I will have to deal with that soon and throw it all away... There have been a couple of good wins, but this side needs to put in some intense effort in order to come out on top.

And then there is this splinter group. They are pretty laid back and relaxed. Relax, take it easy is their slogan and I seem to keep hearing it on the radio too. These dudes are keen to surf and surf and then take it easy some and then do some more surfing. They are quite keen to sleep in late, read lots of fiction and just enjoy the good life. The irony is that these guys are doing pretty badly in the war. I have all of this time yet have spent less of it reading, surfing and in reflection that when I had a full time job. The guys are still pretty convincing and I have to say that the good life is certainly rather appealing but it would seem that I intend to err on the side of activity. I have no doubt that if they win, they will come short with the last of the cash that I can scrape together. They can’t last too long.

The ultra conservatives are also part of the battle. They seem to be ruling the roost at the moment. They are convinced that if I slack off for a minute the world will fall to pieces. They are quite a rough and demanding bunch of comrades. I do think that I would rather be friendly with them than against them. These guys want to maintain my current lifestyle, whatever that may be. They want to do what they can but they seem to be a bit slow in their thinking. They have not yet managed to find a way. They are searching for business opportunities and trying to understand what it is that I should be doing with my life. To date, no news on that front. Instead they believe in action, action and more action. Sleeping on the job and relaxation is not acceptable and should be followed up with more activity in order to ensure that all lost time is made up. I hope that they will consolidate their activities soon as I am tired of continuous action. This idea of being a pilgrim in ones own life sounds like an ideal romantic notion but in reality it is tiring as there is no focussed direction.

Backwards and forwards, volleys of shots, lots of wasted ammunition. Missiles, rockets and subversive tactics. Charges and rebuffs, broken defences breached and on it goes.

I don’t need a beach house. Somehow I have to find a way to support my family and work for the common good of all. Within me, I know that this is the answer. I suppose it is the how that has caused my mental battle. This is my own conundrum that I need to solve, as many before me have solved in their own lives. I also know that I have to take it one day at a time and that my path will slowly become clear to me.

Pity that I want to know now!