I am flabbergasted!
I found out on the way to school that one of my sons sent a Valentine’s Day card to a girl at school.
Inside, he simply wrote, ‘You suck!’
He thought it no big deal. I suspect when he returns home later this evening, he will find that it is a very big deal indeed! Truth be told, I have no idea how we will be dealing with this issue. There must be a way to introduce a positive outcome, but I am a little stumped right now. At least we have the day to think about it.
Showing posts with label father and sons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label father and sons. Show all posts
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Give him some space and time
I had another great chat on night number two with Victor, another good Johannesburg friend of mine. I love going to visit his house as it is filled with children and plenty of action.
We talked about our children and our role as parents. It seems to be a common thread that links many of my conversations. I expressed my concern about failing as a parent. My oldest is only a couple of years away from being a teenager and there are still so many things he just does not get.
Victor made an interesting point; as parents we can only do so much. So long as we are doing as much as possible in our children’s best interests, we are doing the right thing. Then he went on to say something about parents not being the only influence in a child’s life.
Now that really struck home. My father was not at home much whilst I was growing up, and yet I managed to find my way. The reason, apart from my mother’s influence, was that I had some rather awesome substitute mentors. In high school, when I had the greatest propensity to go off the rails, I was instead taken under the wing of two people; the vice head master and the school chaplain. Both took this incredible interest in me, providing wonderful shining examples of how men should be. I can still feel their influence in my life today!
There was also one of my friends that made a huge impact. At the most influential time of my life, I had a friend who would change it for the better in so many ways. It could so easily have turned out differently. Instead this friend helped me break out of my shell and become the ‘me’ I was supposed to be.
Interestingly enough, just that morning, the two of us had spent an hour together running and catching up. 25 years on and we are still important to each other!
It was with a great sense of relief that I thought about my son. I am not alone in helping him to find his way. Of course I must make sure that there are a number of great mentors in his life. People that he would feel comfortable turning to in times of trouble. Those times when parents will just not do!
And then hopefully he will take some responsibility towards making his life really wonderful.
We talked about our children and our role as parents. It seems to be a common thread that links many of my conversations. I expressed my concern about failing as a parent. My oldest is only a couple of years away from being a teenager and there are still so many things he just does not get.
Victor made an interesting point; as parents we can only do so much. So long as we are doing as much as possible in our children’s best interests, we are doing the right thing. Then he went on to say something about parents not being the only influence in a child’s life.
Now that really struck home. My father was not at home much whilst I was growing up, and yet I managed to find my way. The reason, apart from my mother’s influence, was that I had some rather awesome substitute mentors. In high school, when I had the greatest propensity to go off the rails, I was instead taken under the wing of two people; the vice head master and the school chaplain. Both took this incredible interest in me, providing wonderful shining examples of how men should be. I can still feel their influence in my life today!
There was also one of my friends that made a huge impact. At the most influential time of my life, I had a friend who would change it for the better in so many ways. It could so easily have turned out differently. Instead this friend helped me break out of my shell and become the ‘me’ I was supposed to be.
Interestingly enough, just that morning, the two of us had spent an hour together running and catching up. 25 years on and we are still important to each other!
It was with a great sense of relief that I thought about my son. I am not alone in helping him to find his way. Of course I must make sure that there are a number of great mentors in his life. People that he would feel comfortable turning to in times of trouble. Those times when parents will just not do!
And then hopefully he will take some responsibility towards making his life really wonderful.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Sing Along
There are so many beautiful songs with words that are deep and meaningful. Unfortunately, I have not bothered to listen to song lyrics until recently. I take great pleasure in bugging my family about them and what they mean. Now I am going to bug all of you as I start to include some song lyrics into my blog. You are welcome to sing out loud!!
This one has been covered many times, but its message is timeless. Once again I have found myself challenged by it!
This one has been covered many times, but its message is timeless. Once again I have found myself challenged by it!
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
Now what? Shrug, feel bad, and carry on doing the same thing, or change you life because it might change the lives of your children...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Dads and lads
I sit here staring into the embers of the fire. Two of my neighbours share in my reverie. The coals glow red and orange, warming us as a chilly breeze cools our necks. Our tents have been pitched for a couple of hours now and the camp is magnificent. Spoilt only by the beer bottles which lie empty on the ground, abandoned and forlorn!
Our sons chase each other around and around the tents, tripping over guy ropes. Spontaneous bouts of wrestling are fiercely contested and quickly over as tears are spilt. Followed seconds later by laughter, grunting, and more tears! Boys!
Their mothers are not so far away but we hope happy in slumber. Toothbrushes, shoes, soap, and warm clothes have been abandoned. Instead dads rules have been implemented and will be strictly applied to our camp site. Very simply, anything girly and clean will be overlooked in favour of good old dirt and slovenly ways. The way boys are meant to be!
The braai is long over. Marshmallows and Marie biscuits have been toasted to cinders. The laughter has been replaced with tiredness. The call to bed is fiercely contended by the youngsters. Loud words are spoken and the tents slowly fill with deep breathing sons. The youngest continues to fight hard but soon succumbs to the allures of sleep. Another day ends, all in preparation for the day to come.
The three old ones talk long into the night. Deep thoughts and life philosophies. Magic moments shared. Soon conversation slows as sleep calls us too. Wearily we head off to our beds. I wonder why I am so blessed. To be able to share life with good friends and neighbours.
And soon I too am fast asleep, on a mattress in a tent, in my neighbours back garden!
Our sons chase each other around and around the tents, tripping over guy ropes. Spontaneous bouts of wrestling are fiercely contested and quickly over as tears are spilt. Followed seconds later by laughter, grunting, and more tears! Boys!
Their mothers are not so far away but we hope happy in slumber. Toothbrushes, shoes, soap, and warm clothes have been abandoned. Instead dads rules have been implemented and will be strictly applied to our camp site. Very simply, anything girly and clean will be overlooked in favour of good old dirt and slovenly ways. The way boys are meant to be!
The braai is long over. Marshmallows and Marie biscuits have been toasted to cinders. The laughter has been replaced with tiredness. The call to bed is fiercely contended by the youngsters. Loud words are spoken and the tents slowly fill with deep breathing sons. The youngest continues to fight hard but soon succumbs to the allures of sleep. Another day ends, all in preparation for the day to come.
The three old ones talk long into the night. Deep thoughts and life philosophies. Magic moments shared. Soon conversation slows as sleep calls us too. Wearily we head off to our beds. I wonder why I am so blessed. To be able to share life with good friends and neighbours.
And soon I too am fast asleep, on a mattress in a tent, in my neighbours back garden!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Insight from an 11 year old
Last night was Judo night again and I was not looking forward to it. My body is still recovering from last weeks exercise festival. I am sure me bod requires a bit of rest, but I find resting more than a little difficult.
Thankfully I had a meeting at the same time as Judo and arrived at the end of the session. Sensei still got me involved in the last few exercises even though I was in my normal clothes. After the session, a boy of about 11 came up to me. He said, and I quote, ’It is really cool that you do Judo with your sons’. I said something completely inappropriate like I wish you would tell my sons the same thing.
He ignored that and went on to say, “my dad is too busy!”
Ouch!
I have certainly wondered over the last almost two years about whether I have done the right thing to embark on this path of finding a better way. If ever there was a sign post along the way saying keep on going, this kid was certainly it! I am not sure that my boys have the same level of appreciation as expressed by this child, but then again the value is in being there not in my boy’s knowledge that I am there.
This child, less than a third of my age, made me feel exhilarated and horribly sad. My boys get the benefit of a full time dad but what about all of those other boys just longing for time and attention in their lives. How do I make a difference in their lives? How do I make them feel special too? How do I get men to realise that the business of making money is but a single element of all that life has to offer? How do I get men to realise that depth is measured by love and not wallet size?
Funny that a comment made by a young kid can be so insightful and mean so much to me!
Monday, June 29, 2009
For the Love of our Children
If you are a parent and would like to take a tortuous ride through the eyes of another parent (sounds like fun), read ‘Beautiful Boy’ by David Sheff. It is his account of his son’s experimentation and addiction to drugs, and their descent into hell! To make matters worse, Nic’s drug of choice was Chrystal Meth, a terribly addictive and highly damaging drug. I imagine that in South Africa, we know the drug as TIK, a massive problem in the Western Cape.
The book is a tough read, as one follows the emotional journey of David, as he tries vainly to save his son. At every turn, he is beaten by the allure of drugs. Every single shred of hope that he feels, as he continually lowers his expectations is thoroughly shattered and replaced with tougher problems and more uncertainty. He eventually realises a couple of key things; Nic is responsible for the decisions he makes, even though he is under the spell of these substances; and that as a parent, David’s happiness is not dependent on the happiness of his son. The other thing is that a parents love is absolutely boundless and that no matter what, he will be there for his son regardless of the certainty that Nic would regress again. I could not help having heaps of respect!
I have two sons and for me this book was a powerful and disturbing read. Essentially I know that I have no control over the friends that my children will make or the influence these friends will have over my children, for good or bad. I think back to my youth when what my parents thought was irrelevant to me. Now I know better, but then, I ruled my world! In years to come, my children will probably also find my views and opinions to be meaningless. That scares me heaps!
There are some things that I can do. I can spend as much time with my children as possible, developing a meaningful father son relationship, and openly talking about the issues of life. Hopefully this will ensure that they have a set of values and morals that will enable them to make better choices in life. I can also live my life in a way that provides a great example to them, the do as I do approach. Lastly, I can ensure that they develop a relationship with a mentor, somebody we all admire and trust, to whom they can turn when they feel they cannot talk to their parents. In the end, nothing I do as a parent is going to guarantee that their decisions are good or bad. I can however ensure that I am the best possible parent to my boys and hence give them the best possible chance of creating their own version of success in this life. After that, they will need to choose!
I have realised that my hopes for my sons are simply that they find happiness in life and that they become forces for good in this world, no matter what form that may take.
Our journey has begun. I am firmly strapped in, optimistic rather than ready for the ride of my life!
The book is a tough read, as one follows the emotional journey of David, as he tries vainly to save his son. At every turn, he is beaten by the allure of drugs. Every single shred of hope that he feels, as he continually lowers his expectations is thoroughly shattered and replaced with tougher problems and more uncertainty. He eventually realises a couple of key things; Nic is responsible for the decisions he makes, even though he is under the spell of these substances; and that as a parent, David’s happiness is not dependent on the happiness of his son. The other thing is that a parents love is absolutely boundless and that no matter what, he will be there for his son regardless of the certainty that Nic would regress again. I could not help having heaps of respect!
I have two sons and for me this book was a powerful and disturbing read. Essentially I know that I have no control over the friends that my children will make or the influence these friends will have over my children, for good or bad. I think back to my youth when what my parents thought was irrelevant to me. Now I know better, but then, I ruled my world! In years to come, my children will probably also find my views and opinions to be meaningless. That scares me heaps!
There are some things that I can do. I can spend as much time with my children as possible, developing a meaningful father son relationship, and openly talking about the issues of life. Hopefully this will ensure that they have a set of values and morals that will enable them to make better choices in life. I can also live my life in a way that provides a great example to them, the do as I do approach. Lastly, I can ensure that they develop a relationship with a mentor, somebody we all admire and trust, to whom they can turn when they feel they cannot talk to their parents. In the end, nothing I do as a parent is going to guarantee that their decisions are good or bad. I can however ensure that I am the best possible parent to my boys and hence give them the best possible chance of creating their own version of success in this life. After that, they will need to choose!
I have realised that my hopes for my sons are simply that they find happiness in life and that they become forces for good in this world, no matter what form that may take.
Our journey has begun. I am firmly strapped in, optimistic rather than ready for the ride of my life!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Welcome to the Family
There is much joy and celebration in my house. My youngest surfed his first two waves yesterday!!!!
He has pestered me all week long about going to surf. This from a child who has been scared of anything bigger than his ankle depth from birth. In fact, I was beginning to think he would never get into the sea. His favourite trick has been to ask to come and surf and then when we get to the beach with all of the equipment, he changes his mind and plays in the sand dunes.
So with the sea temperature at a cool 14 degrees Celsius and a summer wetsuit far too big for him, he eventually convinced me that yesterday was the day for surfing. Talk about stacking the deck against yourself!
I was amazed when he let me take him deeper than my knees. I was further amazed when I pushed him into a tiny wave and he rode it on his stomach to the beach. I was dumbfounded when he came back for more. My face almost split into two when I told him to stand on a wave and he did. And then he did it again!
He was shivering so violently I suddenly thought I needed glasses he was so blurred! Yet when we got home, he asked to go surfing again today. That’s my boy!!! What a beautiful experience to be part of a person’s journey to conquer a fear.
I dream that one day the three of us will spend hours surfing together! Father and sons sharing a common passion, rejoicing in the beauty of nature, and wallowing in each other company! It may just come to pass!!
He has pestered me all week long about going to surf. This from a child who has been scared of anything bigger than his ankle depth from birth. In fact, I was beginning to think he would never get into the sea. His favourite trick has been to ask to come and surf and then when we get to the beach with all of the equipment, he changes his mind and plays in the sand dunes.
So with the sea temperature at a cool 14 degrees Celsius and a summer wetsuit far too big for him, he eventually convinced me that yesterday was the day for surfing. Talk about stacking the deck against yourself!
I was amazed when he let me take him deeper than my knees. I was further amazed when I pushed him into a tiny wave and he rode it on his stomach to the beach. I was dumbfounded when he came back for more. My face almost split into two when I told him to stand on a wave and he did. And then he did it again!
He was shivering so violently I suddenly thought I needed glasses he was so blurred! Yet when we got home, he asked to go surfing again today. That’s my boy!!! What a beautiful experience to be part of a person’s journey to conquer a fear.
I dream that one day the three of us will spend hours surfing together! Father and sons sharing a common passion, rejoicing in the beauty of nature, and wallowing in each other company! It may just come to pass!!
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