Go Slow

No time to think! Days are spent in a frenzy of activity. Mondays morph into Fridays without respite. Weeks fly by, hardly acknowledged as being different to the ones that preceded them.

My children have sprinkled fairy dust on themselves, growing them like weeds in the night, completely unnoticed by myself. Both were caught out on a Judo scale, each a tenth heavier than just a couple of weeks ago. A perusal of old photographs clearly highlights their slow march to manhood. Even working from home I missed it all. Just too busy!

Then came yesterday, a day as long as my legs. Hours of tedious attention to detail work that sapped my brain of its joy. Bed again a welcome refuge from the demands of my little world. Has my little world grown too big, too demanding, and too out of control? Could this be true given how much I like my world, the freedom, the daily unpredictability, and the value I think I add to other people’s worlds?

No my world is not the problem, but perhaps the speed with which it spins. I think of Atlas with the world balanced on his shoulders and wonder if he would hear my plea. Just a little slower, old man! I know the control is within my grasp. Old Atlas is a myth, I can make it all stop.

Do I want to stop? Perhaps this nascent drive for action and results is a rush in itself. Without it, I may be lost and adrift in a sea of meaninglessness. Perhaps a pause is the better option, a meaningful combination of pace and delivery against nurturing time out for my own well being.

Even this writing has bled some of the frustration from my fingertips, washing my keyboard clean of its fear of touch. Such a short time spent within, and yet so remarkable a feeling of calm and acceptance. My drug of choice is not the pace of delivery but rather the short periods of introspection that give rise to a deepening of will, which feed every part of my life.

And a smile tugs at my lips.

Too Silly

I have spent a lot of time at home over the last eight weeks. As one would expect, there have been many benefits including; a finished half pipe, lots of surfing, community work, church work, and most importantly plenty of family time.

The whole reason that I left the corporate world was mainly as a result of the lack of time I got to spend with my family. My job kept me busy enough to ensure that 2 or 3 hours a week with my children was pushing the limits. I had known that this was a problem for a long time but a reasonable solution just seemed to be out of my grasp. In the end, I figured that it was better to earn a fraction of my then salary and rather invest time into my family. After all, I did commit to spend my life with my wife! I just don’t remember doing the same when I joined my old company. Somehow sans the long term commitment, that company consistently got the best parts of me for those 11 years. It just wasn’t right!

Yes, my family seemed to come in second, all the time. I think that I was one of the lucky ones in that my wife and children are still with me. And yes, there is a lot of love in our house! To think that I almost lost all of this for a FAT pay check.....

Money just doesn’t buy real love! But most of the world is hell bent on proving this statement wrong. Surely money is just too much fun to be given up for love???

If I look back over the last 8 weeks, I can clearly see that this time has helped me grow in a particular way. I have always been a tough, strict parent but now I have added silly to my repertoire!! Trust me, this is growth! My children love silly. Truth be told, I enjoy it too. That place where one can just let go of everything and just be funny face, laugh out loud from your gut, roll on the floor, tickle monster, silly.

My relationship with my children has gotten unimaginably better in the last couple of weeks. At long last, I am starting to feel like a real dad, and that my friends, is an incredibly liberating experience!

I have many wonderful male friends whose support, advice and friendship has been invaluable throughout my life but absolutely critical over the last couple of months. I have enjoyed many deep and exciting conversations that have challenged my thinking in many ways. These friends have encouraged my further growth and development and been deeply concerned about my wellbeing. I could not be where I am today without them all.

Yesterday, I met a fellow traveller on a similar path to mine. That in itself was an incredible highlight, to actually find somebody with very similar thoughts and ideals. More than that, we did something very different, certainly a first in my life. We set aside a whole day for a chat.

In a world where men spend most of their time stalking their prey with stealth and cunning, like leopards. In an explosion of aggression and speed, they pounce and rip apart the unsuspecting victim with their superior force. Without compassion, they drain their new found prize of all its life and joy, till it lies unmoving and rotten.

And we had a chat! For the whole day....

It is hard to describe a discussion that was so deep and wide ranging. Where I was able to bare my soul without fear and know that I too was getting a deep look at the soul of another. Where ideas and thoughts tumbled forth to be encouraged with more ideas and thoughts. Where my half baked theories were exposed for what they were and I was inspired to look further and deeper for answers than I had ever done before.

It is funny for me as a guy to write about a discussion. I suppose that this is a space generally reserved for crackpots, billionaires, nutty professors, and one or two orderlies from the mental ward! It was simply two men catching up on a lifetime of very separate experiences linked by a common bond, the need to serve others. Yesterday was a gift. One of those rare occasions where one connects to another human individual on a level so deep that it frightens.

A new friendship has been born. I know that both of us had the feeling that this day was so important that our lives have been changed. Our futures radically altered in ways that we are yet to experience. The great possibility that the power of two is so much greater than one. We can shake the world!

This was just a chat, that may have changed my life!