In for the long run

I am constantly amazed that I married an incredible woman. One of the things that makes her so incredible is how she is a perfect match to what I need in a life partner. I have no idea, why at the tender age of 23, I felt compelled to make the leap of faith, to ask her to live out the rest of our lives side by side.

I look around and see so many failed marriages. Some just in their infancy at the time of their implosion! I often wonder what made our choice so different from the carnage we have witnessed.

When I look at our relationship which is almost 14 married years young, I wonder what it was that we saw in each other way back then. Potential, possibilities, hope, I have no idea. With the benefit of hindsight, I know the reasons I love my wife now, are not things I could ever have known with any certainty then. In fact these reasons were not things I was looking for in a partner when we pledged our lives to each other.

There was no way I could have predicted the strong bond that ties us together, the shared experiences we relive with joy, the companionship especially when television is impossible to watch, the friendship that makes life wonderful, and the deep love that makes me a significantly better person.

I would hate to label my wife and I as soul mates, it seems almost demeaning, the ‘meant to be’ philosophy. I would prefer to think the success of our marriage is due to the daily decisions we both make about our lives together. Decisions that bring us closer together by tiny fractions, moment by moment!

In a world where physical attractiveness is one of the key measures of success, I wonder what disservice is done to our youth. Where every form of entertainment glories the pleasures of the perfect body, something that has little to nothing to do with a successful marriage. When I look at old, wrinkled, and stooped couples with love in their eyes after many years of marriage, I know marriage is made of something much more than hunger and lust.

Donna and I are still new in this game, having much to still experience, work through and grow. Yet I am still amazed at how good marriage can be. And cannot help wondering how much better it will get in time. Especially if we continue to work at it, day after day!

Till death do us part OR sooner

Lately, the subject of divorce has been the topic of a number of discussions. I am no proponent of divorce and so discussions about divorce have always been rather short. It would seem that divorce has become the norm. I am now genuinely amazed to meet people who have been married for many years.

As a Catholic, I have no divorce escape hatch in my marriage. When Donna and I got married, we agreed it would never be an option. As a result, any argument we have is couched in the knowledge that there is no walking away. It does not mean we do not disagree about things, it does mean we both end up compromising. I can only hope and pray the love we share is sufficient to ride the swells of the rest of our lives together.

I have a friend going through one of the saddest ordeals ever. A brain damaged wife intent on absolutely destroying him. She wants lots of money to support her new free lifestyle sans children, which is a little difficult because he has nothing left to give. Her game is to go to incredible extremes in order to render his life as miserable as possible. Luckily he has only been arrested once this month for a charge she fabricated. The tragedy is that their three young daughters have become the collateral damage in the exacting of her revenge.

Somebody else I know has taken her children, packed what they could carry, and fled to Europe. Extreme measures to escape a new ex husband! She now waits tables, lives in a one room apartment, and is in a far better situation than having to deal with trumped up fraud charges, and his vindictive behaviour. One can only imagine how terrible life must have been for one to resort to fleeing the country...

I understand that these people are not the only ones. There are many more out there whose spouses are out for annihilation of their ex significant others. Now I can feel for an aggrieved spouse, it must be soul destroying. To have gambled the rest of your life on someone, only to have them fail you, must be more than extremely difficult. To have to start one’s life again when least expected, cannot be for the faint hearted. I fail to understand why a separation and new beginning is not sufficient, and where it becomes life consuming to bring this person you once loved to their knees.

I recently wrote about marriage and how it is a sacrifice of one’s life for another. Children change that dynamic again. Life is then supposed to be sacrificed for them, their well being trumping all else. A parent gets to fill these impressionable lives with love, joy, and valuable lessons on how to grow into adults of worth.

Divorce in many instances is as a result of my needs being more important than my spouse or children. Right or wrong, the impact on children is devastating. I am no expert but have seen more than enough children shattered by the dynamics of the two family life.

 I am forced to admit that there is no magic answer to the conundrum. Every situation is different. I do feel that life needs to be less about me, myself, and I; and more about those around us. If we could live for the good of others, perhaps our own selfish needs would not continue to rip apart the soul of society.

Its all going down over here

This weekend was interesting.

We took a trip to Hermanus to introduce my mom and my in laws to the whales. Instead the only Wales we got to see were the ones the Springboks narrowly beat in their opening world cup rugby match. The drive was lovely through some majestic Cape scenery, reinforcing how privileged we are to live in such a place.

Then there was a dinner party that ended up being more of a party than dinner. Many new stories created that shall be rehashed at dinner parties for years to come...

Our idyllic street of which I have waxed lyrical so many times of late became the scene of two attempted murders and a killing. Now that you have gotten back into the chair you just fell off, it should be mentioned that all who live here are healthy and safe, but understandably traumatised. I will keep you in suspense on this one...

The men’s breakfast I MC’d was well attended and most enjoyable. There is something to be said for the camaraderie of men. Our guest speaker had a particularly poignant message for men, by all accounts, one of his pet topics.

His view on love is that it is a sacrifice. When one gets married, one sacrifices one’s life for one’s partner. Theoretically the partner does the same thing. In essence love wants nothing in return! If you are in a marriage where you are expecting to get something out, then you have the wrong idea. Those with children already well know how much of life is sacrificed to give ones offspring the best chances in life. Christianity too is also a sacrifice of our lives for Christ, the taking of the difficult road, the making of the hard choices, the keeping of high morals and values. The speakers challenge to men was to stand up and make a difference. To sacrifice our lives for the betterment of society which will mean tough decisions, and stands on issues others will ridicule.

One can imagine how much better marriage would work if we were in it for our partner alone. Looking after them and making their lives better in any way we could. Imagine how difficult that would be, and how rewarding. Imagine how our children would learn by our example.

Very simply, anything good in this world is going to be difficult and will start with each of us taking a stand and suffering the consequences.

Madly in love

Mountains wreathed in mist overlook rolling farmlands clothed in iridescent green. Fields of bright yellow Canola stand tall in their prearranged positions in grandma’s patchwork quilt. Wild flowers grow in abundance along the sides of roads, and big splashes colour vast tracts of land. The normally ugly aloe, now in full orange flower, infuses the landscape with joy. 

The Western Cape is a beautiful place but right now, simply breathtaking.  A marvel to anyone with a moment to look out of the window!

It all pales in significance though, compared to the love I feel for the woman who sits beside me. Donna and I have managed to sneak off to Knysna for a romantic weekend for two. All made possible by my mother who in a moment of madness agreed to look after our three children.

Just two days sans the normal responsibilities of life and plans of any sort have refreshed and revitalised us in many special ways. This is time we so needed and yet could not find. It is also time we have to search for as often as possible in the future, because the benefits are tremendous.

Hopefully we will return home better parents than we left. More importantly, we will return home with bonds of love that have been retied and knotted a little tighter. Bonds which will see us through the good and bad times in a society where marriage seems doomed to failure.

As the flowers of the Cape reach toward the sun and together form a dizzying display, so too I hope my marriage together with all of the other g.ood marriages out there inspire those who are struggling

Love and Marriage

Today, I have been married for 12 years. I remember spending the morning of that big day in our swimming pool, scrubbing off algae with a hard brush. That is until I was rescued by my well meaning good men and whisked off to breakfast. A breakfast I was far too nervous to eat!

I am still amazed that despite the nerves, I still found myself saying ‘I do’ a couple of hours later. Today I congratulate my dumb luck in making a decision that in retrospect was brilliant, as it sparked forth the longest and greatest adventure of my life.

And yet marriage is not a popular institution. In a time when anything is possible at a price, and iron clad contracts just require pricier lawyers than the ones who put it together to take it apart, and where divorce is a commodity, I take much joy in my own marriage. On Friday we had drinks with our neighbours; two of whom have been married for 48 years. They don’t spend much time with the skateboarding crew but they are feisty and full of fun.

They are also people I look up to in terms of making a marriage work, as a lifelong commitment is no longer the norm! Today it seems that when the going gets tough, the tough get going out of the front door to the lawyers. Needless to say Donna and I made a couple of vows and we mean to keep them!

When I got married, I thought that I was deeply in love, but now I know that I really had no clue. As the years have gone by, I have found that our love for each other has grown and matured. It is different to when we first met and so much better. Our lives have become more and more one life, whereby both of us are halves of some different whole. A whole that is simpler and yet more complicated and thrilling than either of us on our own.

One day when we hold each other’s thin bony hands and squint through our bifocals at each other’s lined faces and reminisce about the incredible adventures of our lives, we will know that it was as good as it was, because we did it together!

I would not have it any other way. I love you honey!

Cheating again

News24 carried a story yesterday titled ‘Why woman stray’. It carried the by line ‘find out why more and more woman are straying’. Now I know this is unfair and even my mom has told me in no uncertain terms that it is not just women but also men who stray. Yes it takes two to tango...

http://www.women24.com/Content/LoveAndSex/SexAndSizzle/2418/6170efc381ee421dbab7aaf3c2127def/11-12-2007-01-40/Why_women_stray

I was a little surprised by the amount of comments to this post, filled with stories of cheating spouses. It is rather sad! Interesting is that those who cheat have these wonderful ‘legitimate’ reasons as to why they cheat...And that makes it all right?

Locking myself into a two year cell phone contract makes me feel most apprehensive. Sure I get a new and sexy phone but the forms, real fine print, and countless rules, make me sweat! In stark contrast, my marriage, which is a commitment for life, or at least the next 54 years, fails to create any of that uncertainty or angst. This may be of course due to the nature of my wife. An amazing woman who overlooks all of my faults and continues to love and care for me regardless. I am a lucky guy! We know that we are meant to be together, not because of some cosmic connection or star struck love but rather because we are both prepared to work at being together till death do us part. And none of that I can say about my cell phone!

To take this further, I think children are also a lifetime contract. Not an 18 or 21 year one, or until they are out of your house and you no longer have to pay maintenance. Children are a wonderful blessing but parents have to appreciate that the majority of their interests and desires have to be set aside in order to focus on the well being of their children. For the rest of your life!!!

Surely, if more of us were able to commit to our children in a really special way, they would feel more loved and become potent forces for good in this world? Perhaps they would be able to escape this never ending cycle of hurt and destruction...

Till Death do us part

My wife recently had a conversation with a bunch of women. Four out of the six ladies saw very little wrong with having an affair. Three of those four ladies are (still) married. Happily, my wife was in the dissenting two! Now I know that this is hardly a representative sample but...

These ladies have made their decision, opportunity will probably knock, the wrong headboards will bang, secrets will be kept, secrets will be leaked, and families will be destroyed. But at least they will have had their couple of moments of pleasure, perhaps days or even weeks of it. A taste of the forbidden fruit, every drop of its delectable juice licked and savoured. And the realisation that it is forbidden not because it isn’t fun or pleasurable but because it is devastatingly destructive!

Their children will lose everything. Their secure world will be shattered as mom and dad go their separate ways ensuring that life is never the same again. Their children will learn that self pleasure is far more important than the well being of others, almost at any cost. And the children will go on to repeat the same cycle in their own lives, after all this is a lesson learnt from the most important people they know!

Or perhaps, the affair is never discovered. Instead a little worm eats away inside. It eats everything that is dear to them and ultimately takes their joy of life. They live wondering if they will be discovered. Every word is counted to ensure that it can in no way be misinterpreted. And slowly they start to die. Perhaps they thought they were dead before the affair but now they realise how well and truly mistaken they were. And they cannot go back and change it!

Maybe, they are one of those rare individuals, narcissistic to the core or even psychologically challenged, where stuff like this bothers them not at all. Their own pleasure comes first and the rest be damned. Perhaps their husband does not mind and their children see them as the delinquent they are. And then the children grow older and forget birthdays or to go and visit, they live out their life alone. Well not really alone, a lot of time is spent in bars dressed in tight leopard skin pants and a top that shows off their once renowned bosom as they try desperately to snare some young buck and recapture that illusion of happiness. Only to find themselves lonelier than ever after the banging headboard is silenced.

Am I so old fashioned to believe wholeheartedly in the promise I made at an altar; to love and to hold to death do us part? Are people out there so broken and dispirited that they are willing to risk it all for a brief interlude of joy? And how do we make this world a better place for our children if we are prepared to exchange their happiness for our own?

Oh married people; please join me and prove to the world that marriage can be a beautiful partnership if only we dare to imagine its possibilities and do some hard work to make them reality!

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary. It is the most important day of my year! In a time where marriage is irrelevant, I am proud to have been married for 10 years. The years have not been easy BUT we have stuck together and fought for each other through them all. I love my wife dearly. It is only when you have a family that is special to you that this decision that I have made makes sense - it is worth giving up everything just to increase their love in my life and mine in theirs. After all, I made the choice to have this family!!!!