Have my Monster

Matthew and I had a little argument yesterday.

He had drawn up a card for one his friends’ birthday. On it he was busy writing the access details to his Moshe Monster. Now for anyone not in the know, a Moshe Monster is a character one designs and plays in a kids game on the internet.

My boys have played this game over the last couple of years and have created and played with many of these monsters.  They have often shared the access details with other children and been horrified when these other children have spent all of their rocks or redecorated their houses in very poor taste.

I advised Matthew not to share the access details of his latest Monster. He could not understand my point of view; it is his friend’s birthday after all! It was only later when I replayed this incident in my mind that I realised he had been arguing for the concept of sharing and I had argued against it. A complete reversal in roles! Even more importantly, this was something he had made himself with his friend in mind. As a parent, things to be applauded in my child!

The world continues to change rapidly. As parents, we need to look beyond the obvious and into the deeper motivations that drive our children. It is so easy to ram home the wrong lessons for the right reasons and squander the wonderful opportunities we have to impart real wisdom.

Sweating the small stuff

Don’t sweat the small stuff! I remember my mother reading a book with the same title when I still lived at home. I had always thought I steered a rather good line past the minor issues of life, focussing on things of importance, but now I am not so sure...

It took a line from a film trailer to wake me up. The film was titled, ‘The Tree of Life’. The film has Brad Pitt in it, but my wife turned her nose up at it. The brief snippet involved a mother shouting after a father and son, who were walking away together. She yelled something to the father about teaching lessons their son could understand because he was only a child.

 
It struck me how often I try and get my children to get everything perfect all of the time. Many of those things being the small things like hanging up towels, not complaining about unpacking the dishwasher, cleaning their rooms, etc. I cannot believe how frustrated I become when they fail to get these things right. Perhaps it’s because the small stuff still goes wrong despite numerous repeated requests for change. Even more likely is that I have allowed the small stuff to take over my life. Where it has become more important for everything to be perfect and stay perfect.

Though strangely enough, I am not perfect at all...

The effort required to continuously focus on all of this stuff is enormous. The shouting, tempers, and frustration is ludicrous. I like consistency in the way things are done and in the way I discipline. Yet consistency for the sake of consistency is a rather pointless exercise.

My oldest son’s penchant for walking around without tying his shoelaces may be a minor safety issue but certainly will have no bearing on him growing up into a man of character, values, and love. As parents, we only have so much time with our offspring, surely it should be spent focussed on the things that will make a real difference in their future. As a parent with over ten years experience, I am continually surprised at how much I still have to learn.

Time to step up and let the little things go!

Kindly suck it up!

Ah Valentine’s Day, what fun it has been...


Romance tossed quickly aside as the prickly issue of parenthood reared its ugly head again. We spent the day in debate, trying to fathom the right way to deal with this issue. A decidedly funny issue, so long as it is not your child involved, otherwise just plain mean and nasty. Not two of my favourite words to describe my family!

This is big enough to teach him an important life lesson. A lesson that will stand him in good stead throughout his metamorphosis into a wonderful man! It means that we need to be clever parents; that we need to think deeply before we act. There are many books and movies that speak to way out events that have made fundamental differences in people’s lives. They are easy to read and watch but creating those events is a whole different story.

Obviously banning the usual stuff like parties, surfing, TV, and computers, or extra chores, or no pocket money, or, dare I say it, a hiding, are not going to have the impact we are seeking. They will make him feel bad for a bit, but will not alter the fundamental issue; other people have thoughts and feelings too.

Our soul searching led us to an idea that seemed to fit on many fronts. His punishment is to achieve ten random acts of kindness, and to write about it all in a diary. It seems a little intense for a 9 year old, but then again his thoughtful Valentines gesture was rather radical. We walk a fine line between associating kindness with punishment, but hope that the diary and our daily discussions will help him to see the light. We also hope that he will begin to understand that small gestures of kindness are highly appreciated and incredibly valuable as opposed to self centeredness.

These discussions have been energising in a sense, real parenting at work. More than that, they have opened a window of deep insight into my wife, an incredible privellage!

And with all of this kindness, we may just rediscover the true meaning of Valentine's Day!