I wonder

Many people ask me to tell them what keeps me so busy. Others just tend to wonder.


I find myself lost for answers. I know that I am hectically busy yet unable to understand how so little output can keep me as busy as it does. Society defines outputs in terms of income; the busier one is, the more income one should be bring in...

I seem to have the mix all wrong, or do I?

So much of my time seems to go into ventures that have zero financial yield. Charity work sucks up a substantial portion of my day. Make no mistake, it is highly rewarding and fulfilling, in that I get to use my talents for the good of others. There is also plenty of time spent with my family; the polar opposite to the situation when I was a corporate lackey. This is valuable time, real influence in the lives of my children. Then there are some entrepreneurial ventures that give me great pleasure and one day may show incredible returns, such as my foray into classic cars.

And yes, some of my time is spent working incredibly hard on projects that yield hard cash.

Sometimes, like now, I struggle to justify my choices to myself. Can I really ‘waste’ my time on stuff that does not support my family in the here and now? Is it possible to have some fun and dabble in incredibly interesting undertakings rather than directing all of my efforts towards making piles of loot? How will I afford a skiing trip for my family if I spend most of my time on charity work? How do I create a financial nest egg for our later years if I am giving away my best time for free? And so it goes...

I tend to come back to the stand point that I am trading much of my time to meet goals that are important to me and have been for all of my life. Goals that I could not have hoped to meet in my past corporate existence. As a result, my entrepreneurial life provides time but also brings much risk, excitement, and loads of self doubt.

I feel more fulfilled than ever, yet the more fulfilled I feel, the more I feel I need to do. I question if I am using my time well enough, can I not do more with what I have? I can only hope and pray that the long term cost of the fulfilled life is not too great. Then again, when I die, I would have done exactly what I had set out to do. Surely this is exactly what I want, and worth a potential difficult old age? Or as my wife may argue; a frugal now!

And the questions continue...and time moves on.

Thinking Again

It has been a long time since I have written anything really meaningful about my journey.

Perhaps it is time.

It is now 14 months since I gave up my career in favour of a life theoretically focussed on the greater good. My starting point was the writing of a book. It was fun writing! My days were filled with these incredible surges and slacks as my inspiration peaked and waned.14 chapters of poor to mediocre drivel interspersed with moments of brilliance were soon churned out. Well at least I thought there were some moments of brilliance! At the time, I felt that I was achieving something real. And I was! For the first time in my remembered life, I started to experience my very own emotions. I got to experience freedom for the first time in my life and it was sweet. I thought deeply and had discussions with other people that were deep and meaningful. This was a wonderful reflective growth period of my life.

Then the call came. Five months into my year off, a large company asked me to help. So began four months in Tanzania followed up by projects in Ghana and Nigeria. On the professional front, I learnt so much about being a consultant. I probably learnt more in this time than in the last five years of my working life. In the end I discovered a business partner and we formed a new company which is to be the vehicle that delivers many of our hopes and dreams. It is to be a company that really values the people that it employs, the clients that it services, and the community in which it operates. We have put a lot of thought and effort into setting it up just right. So far, a client is yet to walk through the virtual door....

It has now been three weeks at home with no work on the horizon. That in itself does not bother me as much as it should. I know that something will come my way when it is supposed to. My three weeks have been filled with community work. This is something that I dreamed about whilst locked in my wonderful office in the working world. The only think is that this work, although highly value adding to the organisations, is hardly the heart wrenching, emotional roller coaster, mentally absorbing stuff I was dreaming about.

The good part is that my 14 months have been filled with family. Obviously a fantastic gift that few men ever receive. I am thoroughly thankful for this time and my family relationships that have grown as a result of it.

Mentally, I am struggling, again. I find it difficult to see myself as the consummate businessman. I am good at that stuff but it really has not grabbed me. On the other end of the scale, my community work has far from thrilled me either. It has started to fill a deep guilty hole dug by my own apathy and lack of Christian response to the world, but I am not sure that this is enough. The real problem is that I left a job to lead a fulfilling life and am yet to find such a thing.

I am scared by the fact that I can no longer see a future that invigorates me. A future that appeases my social conscience and provides for my family! I know that it is out there but I am just out of ideas at this moment in time. Right now I am just playing the cards as they fall as opposed to opening my own new deck. I know I need to open a new deck but am just thoroughly disillusioned right now.

My partner and I have promised to give this business our wholehearted attention for the next couple of months. We have some great ideas and I hope we can pull this off. I do have a sneaky suspicion that I need to finish this book of mine. It is an unfinished chapter in my life. I wonder if by finishing it, I both close that chapter and allow myself the freedom to move into the next chapter of my life.